The last week has been full of hormones, mid-life crises, and all kinds of personal drama. Since I started this year-long journey to self-improvement/fulfillment, it seems that a lot of STUFF has been going on in my subconscious. It’s like the silt on the river-bottom of my psyche has been disturbed, making everything murky and unsettled. So I’ve begun having dreams. Weird, off-the-wall, disturbing dreams. I had one about my family, particularly my dead father, last week, which left me very depressed. I finally wrote it all out and sent it to my sister who has studied several books on interpreting your dreams. And do you know what she told me? I’ll tell you…she told me that since I’ve been actually doing something and feeling good about my progress, my subconscious feels okay about bringing up some ISSUES. That since I’m working on myself, and trying to overcome my fears and develop my creative talents, I’m changing….into what, I’m not sure. But I shouldn’t be afraid of the changes, they are good and natural. And that the journey is exciting and scary and fulfilling all at the same time. Oh, and lots of other stuff about changes in attitude about myself…how I view myself. It’s all very interesting, and more importantly, feels accurate. But change is very scary, so I have been extremely emotional and volatile this last week. It’s tiring, but productive. Here’s what is going on with my goals:

Romans – after three months of ignoring my memorizing, I’ve started again and have finally just about conquered chapter 2…a TOUGH chapter to memorize, let me tell you. I’ll be happy to move on to chapter 3. And although I’m technically way behind, it’s okay. At least I’ve started up again and am moving forward.

Weight- Ugh! Don’t get me started. Menopause and the accompanying metabolic slow-down totally SUCKS! I began a 30-day challenge with Hija, to kind of jump-start our diets again post-holiday season, which is fine. But I promised to stay on Phase One (South Beach Diet) until I got down to 198 pounds, which at this point in my life was way too ambitious. I have been on Phase One for two solid weeks now (feels like a month……REALLY), and I still need to lose 4 pounds. A mere five years ago, I could go on Phase One and drop a solid 10 pounds in two weeks. This time…..4. A lousy, stinkin’ 4 pounds, and other than eating a few things too high in fat (peanut butter being the main one, but only once a day!), I’ve been very good. Of course, I’m still trying to get my walking habit back to where it was before November. I’ve walked 3 days this week so far, not too bad. TODAY I walked the WHOLE circuit around HP, which took 65 minutes (I was surprised it didn’t take longer), but I was so tired when I got home. I’ve made a promise to myself that every time I skip walking for no good reason (except on Sunday….a good reason would be running a fever…..but in bad weather I could still walk IN THE HOUSE) that I have to walk that route. That is a very good incentive for me. Anyway….I have weighed between 200 and 202 the last several days, and I’m trying to resist the temptation to starve myself. I know that’s not going to help me get healthy in the long run.

Art – the deadline for my application for Art in the Park is due by March 15 (less than 6 weeks……eek!), and I must have at least 5 paintings completed to my satisfaction by then. I have 3 that I am willing to submit right now, so I need to come up with at least 2 more. But in reading the application instructions, I found that I have to have a representative painting in several different sizes. Oops, all mine are pretty much the same size. I’m hoping I can whip out a couple of small ones before then. Anyway, that is my main focus at the moment.

Novel – Because of the art thing, I haven’t been writing at all. I have tried to plan on writing at least 1000-5000 words per week, to keep it going, but so far……….nothing. I’ll tell you, it is extremely difficult for me to focus on FOUR completely different things at the same time…something always suffers. Sigh.

But overall, at this moment in time (which could change within a few hours!), I feel pretty good about my progress. Now I must go paint….I’m such a good girl.

New update on goals later today. Since I only have like 2 readers, nobody will mind I’m sure.

That’s the headline for my life this week. I can’t seem to pull myself together. I was doing fine until I had a very disturbing dream about my Dad Monday night (he’s been dead for 35 years). I don’t think I’ve dreamed about him since I was 30, but I had a very vivid and realistic one about him and I’ve been alternately depressed and hyper ever since (perhaps bi-polar disorder is catching…I think I’ve contracted it from my son). I have resisted the urge to just crawl in the bed and cover my head, but just barely. As I haven’t written in my journal since then, I really haven’t dealt with the meaning of that dream for myself….I probably will continue to feel this way until I actually think it through, and I’m not ready to do that just yet, I guess.

Anyway, Carly Boone has suffered a stall because I just can’t write about a light-hearted teenage summer while I’m feeling this way…so sorry. Please stay tuned (both of you), she’ll be back soon.

I sooooo don’t feel like giving a detailed update today. I’m working on my goals, okay? Don’t push me!

Romans – working on it.

Weight – working on it.

Painting – REALLY working on it.

Novel – neglecting it at the moment (for painting).

There……..now get off my back.

Watercolor # 7

6/9/09

98 today, but with a tiny breeze. I didn’t try to go to the lake with some of the other girls today, because I had my Headcase appointment. I stayed up an extra half hour last night to make my list of jobs NOT requiring touching (or could use gloves). I almost forgot, but I remembered just as I was turning out the light. Here’s what I took to her:

1) Short Order Cook – (hey, if it’s good enough for Odd Thomas, it’s good enough for me…because he sees dead people and bad spirit-types, he likes to keep his life simple…I totally understand)
2) Dishwasher – same industry…not only do I not have to deal with customers, I get to wear rubber gloves!
3) Bus-person – same thing (of course, these are just jobs, not really careers, but who knows if I’ll even WANT a career…maybe I’ll be a hobo and crisscross the country riding in boxcars)
4) Miss America – they wear those long gloves, don’t they?
5) Dog groomer/walker – I haven’t actually tried to read Tripp’s thoughts, but they wouldn’t be too difficult to figure out…”Ball!…Oooo yeah, rub right there…When’s dinner?…CAT!…Grrrr, mailman”
6) Veterinarian – I do like animals and it would be a real career, and human contact would be at a minimum.
7) Golf Caddy – Well, I would only brush hands occasionally with the golfer (who wears a glove!), and I’d get to be on TV!
8) Ski Instructor – Talk about covered head to toe…we’d all be so bundled nothing would touch…EVER! Now if only I lived within a thousand miles of mountains…
9) Construction Worker – They wear work gloves, right?
10) Any kind of factory where they make food – gotta be sanitary!
11) Trash Collector – Just touching trash…I get no vibes from trash.
12) Hermit/writer – same thing.
13) Crazy artist – they’re all insane I hear…I could do that
14) Professional musician – seriously. I could play in an orchestra…..hmmmm.
15) Race Car Driver/Stunt Driver – if I can ever touch the pedals :(
16) Figure Skater – they’re usually pretty small, right? Only not couples…
17) Scientist/Lab Assistant – latex gloves?
18) Park Ranger – out in the middle of nowhere…with just the grizzly bears and cougars…on second thought
19) Minnie Mouse – she ALWAYS wears gloves…okay, fine…I’ll stop
20) EMT – I know they always wear gloves…threat of infections
21) Zookeeper – I see an “animal” theme going here…I wonder…
22) Helicopter Pilot – just sounds like fun to me!

And just for fun, I added careers I absolutely DON’T want to do:

1) Any professional TEAM sport…NO CONTACT SPORTS (although I could play tennis, golf or swim, I guess)
2) Ballet Dancer – I’ve tried standing on my toes, hurts too much
3) Teacher – no thanks.
4) Anything requiring a swimsuit – too much skin exposed that might touch someone…unless I worked at an aquarium park and worked with dolphins and killer whales
5) Anything that requires jumping out of an airplane
6) Anything that requires touching people (or them touching me) all day as part of the job (without gloves)-flight attendant (tight spaces make for lots of touching), waitress, daycare worker, official hand-shaker, Lady’s Maid (hey, they always have to help their “Lady” get dressed and junk), Airport Security, Politician of any kind (ALWAYS having to shake hands and kiss babies – although babies’ thoughts are kind of blurry), so I guess that leaves out first woman president…I can live with that. Oh yeah, stripper and hooker are totally out…I see on TV how much THEY get touched….shudder….Mom and Dad will be so relieved!
7) Anything having to do with bugs or snakes – nope, don’t think so.
8) Firefighter – no way
9) Astronaut – just the term “G-force” makes me nervous
10) Governess – I want to have my own kids and all, but I don’t think I want to take care of other people’s brats all day (especially when I can actually hear how much they hate me)

Headcase was only a tiny bit amused by my humor…she was wanting me to be more serious about the assignment. Well I’m SORRY, I’m only 13 3/4 and I think it’s a little early to be planning my whole career out now. It’s hard enough just being AROUND people all the time and remembering not to touch them, I don’t want to THINK about what I’ll have to do in the future to earn a living AND avoid touching people (or touching them ON PURPOSE to try to help them)…I’m just not ready for that.

Sigh. We talked about a few of the more vivid memories I have about times I felt “traumatized” by touching someone. There was that time when I was 6 and Mom and I were at the grocery store. She let me go over to the next aisle to look at the toys, and an older man who smelled funny walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and offered me a piece of candy. I immediately knew that he was thinking about taking me and he had pictures in his head of what he wanted to do to me. I screamed bloody murder, and started crying and yelling for my Mommy, and people came running from all over the store. The man tried to cover it up by saying that he noticed me all alone and came up to me to ask where my mother was, but Mom knew better. I was shaking and sobbing and clinging to her and she KNEW what was going on. She let it go, so that people walked away, but as she picked me up in her arms and started walking past that man, I’ll never forget what she said to him. “I know what you are, and if I ever see you in this neighborhood again, I will call the police and have you arrested.” She told me years later that she did look him up on the Internet, and sure enough he was a convicted child molester. I still get a little sick to my stomach when I think about him. I think of all the little kids who couldn’t read his thoughts, who were trusting and just went with him to get a piece of candy.

Oh great, now I’ll sleep MUCH better…

6/7/09

Not much to say today. Church. Lunch out with parents and brother (he’s really acting weird, still treating me nice…MUST get to the bottom of this). Lazy afternoon in the air conditioning (still #1 favorite thing), reading and watching chick flick. Played Catan with family….soundly smacked down this game after winning last time…family ganged up on me…only got 5 stinkin’ points……boo. Back to work in the hot, hot sun tomorrow.

6/8/09

97 today and no breeze. Worked until 4 to finish last yard. Soreness in muscles is totally gone, and I’m able to push a little faster. Totally weird thing happened…Matt offered to take me to dinner and a movie Friday night! He has NEVER done that before. I just don’t know what to make of it, but I plan to ask what’s going on……..this is one of those times I wish I could read his mind. Drat. But a free meal and movie….not turning that down! Even if it is with Paranoid Head.

I decided to answer Gray’s email today and not wait. He did sound like he misses me and wants to hear from me soon…I guess I’ll give the guy a break :) (of course, he probably won’t get to read it until the weekend, but he’ll see I didn’t wait too long to write it). Anyway, here it is:

Gray,

I miss you too. I was at the lake all afternoon on Saturday, and I kept thinking how much more fun it would have been with you there. There was a huge group of people from school (and several from your baseball team, including Evan). We played volleyball and Frisbee, ate junk, swam, and generally had a great time (wishing you were here, right? too bad!). Jon was there, and I think he and Sophie are going to get together. He stuck to her like glue, so I think she’s figured out that he likes her. DON’T tell Jon I told you, but Sophie said she’ll give him a chance and see what happens. Personally, I think they’re really cute together.

Nothing else much is going on. It’s still almost 100 every day, with no relief in sight. Where are those cooling breezes we were promised last week? Looks like they got cancelled. I am getting stronger though, and able to push the mower easier. You wait and see, I’ll be so BUFF when you get back, I’ll be able to arm-wrestle you!

My brother asked me out on a “date” for Friday night. What’s WITH that? He’s been treating me almost human the last few weeks, very different from the last several years…ever since before high school he’s acted like I am beneath his notice, now suddenly I’m worthy of his attention again. When we were little, we played together all the time. Even when he was in, like fifth grade he would let me tag along when we were at the mall or the lake and stuff. He was my best friend, next to Sophie. Then when he started middle school, things changed. He was just different. He started hanging out with guys my parents did NOT approve of, and I’m sure he was smoking (although he never got caught). He hung out in his room all the time, playing heavy metal music, drawing depressing pictures with skulls and demons. His grades went down, not a whole lot, but enough that our parents weren’t happy since he has this HUGE brain that he obviously stopped using. They really worried about him. That’s when my dad started making him work with him, mowing lawns almost every afternoon and Saturdays (and all summer). I think it did keep him out of major trouble but he still was sulky and angry a lot of the time, and never said anything to me other than “Don’t touch my stuff,” or “Get out of my room”. So I just quit talking to him, except when our parents made us, like at dinner or “family game night”.

Anyway, sorry to BLURT all that, it’s just that I’m realizing how much I’ve missed him these last FOUR years, and I wonder what’s up with him to suddenly start noticing me again? I guess I’ll find out…I’ll let you know how it goes, okay?

I guess I’ll go…no exciting branding, roping, or castrating going on MY life. Tell me more about what you’re doing!

Carly

Writing a Haiku
I might stinkin’ mess it up
Poems – not my thing.

Is that technically right? I know it doesn’t have the vivid imagery some have, but I don’t think I’ve tried it since, like, high school. It seems that everyone is writing them lately, they are popping up all over the place, so of course I HAD to try it. I’m not one to back away from a perceived challenge to my intelligence. I’m insecure and defensive like that.

Yes, well…..hmmm. I have been struggling to get myself back to a routine and get busy on my goals again. It’s this dreary winter weather. I love winter, but all I want to do is curl up with a blanket and a good book. Hibernating…I fight the urge daily. But I walked a couple of days last week, and I’ve already gotten up early and walked both days this week so far…although it’s a battle between my will and my body wanting to stay snuggled under the nice warm flannel sheets and comfy comforter. I will conquer! Here’s the update on goals:

Romans – Um, yeah. I haven’t memorized a single verse in two months, but today I started reviewing the first chapter, and hopefully by Friday I will again be able to say the first two chapters. I have a group of ladies that are all committed to some spiritual study, then we blog our goals and accomplishments to be accountable to others for our efforts. That starts next Monday, so it will help me tremendously!

Health and Weight- It always feels like two steps forward and one step back when it comes to my weight. I get so discouraged at times. I’m pretty much where I was when the holidays started, so at least I didn’t slide all the way back down the hill I have struggled to climb, but it is so HARD to stay away from junk food for me. Sunday night I ate a bunch of Fritos with salsa and paid dearly for the brief pleasure. Monday morning, my stomach woke me up with some major heartburn/reflux at about 2 am. I laid there trying to sleep until 3, then had to get up. My stomach felt like it had a rock in it all day yesterday, so I learned an important lesson. As much as I love Fritos, my stomach just doesn’t tolerate that much grease any more…this is a good thing, although it makes me sad. I will keep reporting in, but I won’t tell my weight until I’ve lost at least 5 more pounds.

Art in the Park – I must complete at least 6 paintings that I like well enough to present with my application for Art in the Park by March 1, when the application is due. That’s about one per week, people. I’m not sure I can do it, but I’m going to try. I have one almost completed, and I’m going to go ahead and start the next one at the same time, since they’ll be in different stages. I’ll post the one I’m working on when it’s finished.

Novel – When I transferred the novel I’m writing from my laptop to this PC, I did a word count and realized that I have over 10,000 words. I’m very excited about that. Of course, with the big push to paint, the writing will have to take a back burner for several weeks. But I’m going to try really hard to write at least a little bit every day. We’ll see.

I’m trying something new (for me). I’m keeping a spiral notebook in which I make a list on Monday of what I want to accomplish for the week. Then I break it down into tasks for each day and try to cross things off each day. This way I have long term goals (the year-long ones), mid-term goals (6 paintings by March 1), and short-term goals (daily list) to concentrate on. I put too many things on the list every day, but I’ll feel good if I can get at least some of them crossed off! I’m not an organized person, and my whole being balks at schedules, but I’m trying to compromise and keep a loose one that leaves me wiggle room. We’ll see. I refuse to give up…..although I honestly feel like it at least once a day. My Eeyore side is always whispering in my head (you have to hear THAT voice when you read it), “What’s the point? You’re never going to finish all those goals. And even if you do, it won’t be worth anything, and nobody cares anyway.” Ugh! I hate that voice! It doesn’t matter if NOBODY cares but me. It doesn’t matter if NOBODY will buy my paintings. It doesn’t matter if I can’t sell my novel. It doesn’t even matter if I have absolutely no talent, that my paintings and novel are total crap. I still MUST do it. I must keep going. I HAVE TO DO THIS. So there.

6/5/09

96 today. The weather channel  says it’s going  hover around here for a while (yeah, that cool down?…not happening)Still no email from Gray today. So all-around hot and sucky day. Yeah, I know, I waited 5 days to write to him, so I shouldn’t be so impatient to get one back. I’ll try to chill.

Top ten things I’m thankful for today:

10) It’s Friday
9) It’s after work
8) My muscles are hurting less
7) I’m getting to the good part in my book (if I can just keep from falling asleep every time I read!)
6) Pizza for dinner tonight
5) Spending the whole day at the lake tomorrow
4) Worked 30 hours this week…one more week and I get money!
3) I have a boyfriend…sort of
2) Watching “Princess Diaries” 1 and 2 tonight with Sophie and Sammie (with plenty of Reese’s ice cream)
And the #1 thing I’m thankful for today——–drumroll, please -
1) Air conditioning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhhhhh……..(it was actually a tie between air conditioning and cool showers)

6/6/09

Great day at the lake today. There was a whole group of people from school hanging out today, so it ended up being like a big party all afternoon. Sophie and I took the bus and got there about noon. We were just stretching out on our towels when Sammie and Kelly showed up (Kelly was wearing a neon green two-piece…I felt like a 5-year-old in my pink one-piece…sigh). After that, Heather and Tessa came, and then Jennifer and Megan. Luckily I wasn’t the only one in a one-piece, but EVERYBODY filled theirs out better than me.

Anyway, after a little while, Barky Jon showed up with his “posse” of drummers and trumpet players (Matt and Chase + Dillon, Jason, and Kirk). Jon noticed Sophie and me and immediately came over to say hi, and asked me if I’d heard from Gray yet (okay, I blushed bright red), and I had to admit that I hadn’t…but he hadn’t either so I didn’t feel so bad. He kept looking at Sophie, and I could tell he really wanted to hang around longer, so without even thinking about it I asked if he and the other guys wanted to hang out with us girls. It was so cute the way he jumped at the invitation (although I could tell that several of the other guys were VERY uncomfortable with the idea of hanging out with girls). It wasn’t long before Gray’s baseball buddy, Evan, turned up with a couple of their teammates (can’t remember their names at the moment), and pretty soon we had almost 20 people sitting and laying around. Somebody had one of those iHomes for their iPod, so we even had music. Wild.

Most of us played volleyball for a couple of hours. Man, did I get trampled on at the net, but I did pretty good when I was on the back row (I even learned how to dive for the ball! It’s not so bad in the sand). Of course, most of the guys made huge….donkeys…of themselves around Kelly (and Tessa….that girl looks FINE in a swimsuit…just sayin’). They sure don’t act like that around me. In fact, they treat me like one of the guys….I think I prefer that…mostly. But Jon only had eyes for Sophie. He made sure he was on her team and right next to her. He gave her a hand whenever she ended up in the sand and they were doing this funny high-five when their team won a point. Since I was on the other team, I was really trash-talking the whole time, and they had a great time double-teaming me on the teasing (they played off each other a little too well!).

After volleyball, a bunch of people were going in the lake, but Sophie and I decided to sit in the shade for a bit and rest, and Jon stuck right with us. He offered to go get us all a snow cone, and Sophie smiled and said sure. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow (careful not to touch her…I really didn’t want her to think I was being too nosy…not that it mattered, I knew she’d tell me what she was thinking anyway).

Sophie: What? (she tried pulling that innocent look, but I wasn’t buying it)
Me: You know what. (still quirking a brow at her)
Sophie: Oh, you mean Jon? (still playing innocent)
Me: Who else?
Sophie: He’s pretty cute. (putting on her sunglasses to hide her eyes)
Me: Come on, tell me. Don’t make me grab your arm! (she knows I’m bluffing)
Sophie: Okay, he’s very cute. I’m just not sure yet if he’s my type.
Me: Your type? And what type would that be? (I already know what she’s going to say)
Sophie: The type that’s not an idiot or a jerk. The kind with a brain.
Me: That’s pretty hard to come by in a fourteen-year-old.
Sophie: Don’t I know it? That’s why I plan to date seniors in high school, and college guys by the time I’m a junior (I know her…she could do it too).
Me: So Jon doesn’t stand a chance with you?
Sophie: I didn’t say that. We’ll see.
Me: Are you sure you’re not 25 instead of 14?
Sophie: Hey, I just know what I want, that’s all. He seems very sweet. I’ll give him a chance, okay?
Me: Fine, just be nice and don’t crush the poor guy, okay? I think he’s totally gone over you already.
Sophie: I’ll be sweet as pie. (I swear that girl would have been a vamp in the 40’s)

The rest of the afternoon was so fun, swimming, playing Frisbee football in the grass for a while (it was too HOT for me…I subbed out within about 10 minutes…too much running). Eating nachos and Red Vines…perfect lake food. Even the guys who were skittish around the girls were a lot more comfortable by late afternoon, and I could see the beginnings of several “summer couples”, not just Jon and Sophie. It made me wish, for like the hundredth time today, that Gray was here. We could have so much FUN! Anyway, Sophie and I gathered up our stuff around 5, with several other people cuz the last pick-up is at 5:30. Jon walked with us to the bus stop bench and stayed with us until the bus came. I noticed he didn’t try to hold her hand or anything…it was almost as if he had been watching how Gray handled himself (cute!). He really is a nice guy, I hope she doesn’t break his heart. With Sophie that is a real possibility. It’s not that every guy in the world wants her or anything, but the ones that do seem to develop a total devotion to her. It’s kind of freaky. She inspires guys to write sonnets about her or get in fights over her, practically. She’s just one of those girls that have IT, whatever IT is. I don’t really understand it.

My nose and shoulders are totally RED…ouch! I put aloe vera all over which helps………ooooooo, I need to check my email!…………………………………………………………………………..I got one from GRAY!!! Here it is:

Hey, Carly!

I was so glad to get your email! It sounds like you’re having a super-fun summer so far! :) I’m sorry it took me so long to answer, but I’m like you…we work so hard that I conk out right after dinner practically, and I only get a chance to use my aunt’s laptop on the weekends, when the ranch hands all take turns doing chores (instead of all of us, like during the week).

Working on a cattle ranch is REALLY hard work, but I love it. We’re up at 5 every day, so we can be dressed, fed, and saddled up by the time the sun comes up. Way up here in the Montana the sun is actually UP before 7 in the summer and it doesn’t get totally dark until about 10:30….I fall asleep before the sun is even down…makes me feel like a little kid!

So far, I’ve helped dig post holes for fences (with the blisters to prove it), I’ve been practicing roping (I miss much more often than I hit), helped round up cattle to be branded, watched a couple of steers get castrated (shudder), and I got to see twin calves be born (SO COOL!). And that’s all in the first week! That’s the kind of stuff we’ll be doing all summer, then the last week or so we’ll be driving one herd to the cattle yard for auction.

Most of the men I work with are pretty cool, but a couple are total jerks. We all have to be around each other 24/7, we all even sleep in the bunkhouse together, so I just keep my head down and my mouth shut…especially since I’m  the youngest and have to prove myself with them. Some of the guys resent the fact that my uncle let me come work for him a year earlier than he’ll hire the locals, so they’ve been kind of hard on me. That’s okay, I’ll take whatever they dish out, because I want to be here.

But, being here I’m not there…with you. I’ll say that I’m asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow, but you’re the last thing I think about at night, wondering what you’re doing and if you’re okay. Write back soon, okay? Us cowpokes get lonesome out here with the cows and the sagebrush, and our horses for company… :)

I miss you,

Gray

Oh wow….