That’s the headline for my life this week. I can’t seem to pull myself together. I was doing fine until I had a very disturbing dream about my Dad Monday night (he’s been dead for 35 years). I don’t think I’ve dreamed about him since I was 30, but I had a very vivid and realistic one about him and I’ve been alternately depressed and hyper ever since (perhaps bi-polar disorder is catching…I think I’ve contracted it from my son). I have resisted the urge to just crawl in the bed and cover my head, but just barely. As I haven’t written in my journal since then, I really haven’t dealt with the meaning of that dream for myself….I probably will continue to feel this way until I actually think it through, and I’m not ready to do that just yet, I guess.

Anyway, Carly Boone has suffered a stall because I just can’t write about a light-hearted teenage summer while I’m feeling this way…so sorry. Please stay tuned (both of you), she’ll be back soon.

Okay, computers drive me insane sometimes. My “old” laptop is about to go…my son, the ITT Tech student, told me that a five-year-old laptop is ancient and they’re obsolete in about 3 years…they’re literally only supposed to last about that long. WHAT’S WITH THAT?? I mean you can take good care of a car and have it last 10-20 years, houses for 100 or more. I own a skirt that I’ve been wearing for over 5 years, for goodness sake.  A computer is like….air, to some of us. It is necessary for survival. Why can’t they be nice and make them last longer? Is 10 years really so much to ask? Technology just makes leaps ahead TOO quickly! Slow it down, people! I’ve heard the jokes about your computer being obsolete as soon as you take it out of the box. Man! My hero son helped me figure out how to get my novel shifted from the gasping laptop to my husband’s PC without having to retype the whole thing (well, most of it I had saved on my email account, but I didn’t want to retype 10 pages either). So I’m relieved about that anyway. But still…

The past couple of weeks have been, I’ll just say it, horrendous and depressing, and I’ve not had incentive to do a blasted thing, but I did accomplish a few things, including most of a painting for my sister for Christmas. I picked it up this morning to finish it, and what do I find…a big smear across it (like a wet-furred dog rubbed against it). I am such an IDJITT! I left it standing up leaning against the foot of my bed, right in the path of the dogs. I am heartsick and feel just a little nauseated. Anyone who does watercolor knows that there are some mistakes that just cannot be fixed. I was able to fix most of it, but one little spot I don’t think I can do anything about. I’m going to shoot myself…

What is your worst trait? What is the negative thing in your personality that you absolutely detest? Come on, now, we all have them. Pride? Fear? Obsession? Anger? Judgment? Control?  What? Well, mine is envy. I am an envious person. Not over everything, just those things that I want desperately for myself. I envy my friend who has written not one, but two novels. I envy my sister who seems to creative art effortlessly, joyfully, uninhibitedly (word?). I envy anyone who is NOT struggling financially right now. I envy self-disciplined and self-motivated people who make up their mind, set a goal and just do it, without all the inner turmoil and fighting with themselves and procrastination and apathy and lethargy.

And I hate it. I hate this about myself. I hate that when someone has something wonderful happen to them, half the time I don’t feel unadulterated joy for them, but have this little green fist squeezing my gut, that little competitive voice saying….”Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, I WANT that! Why can’t I get that???” It’s not that I don’t want THEM to have it, I’ve never felt that, just that I want it too. Me, it’s all about me. Self-centered…another trait I don’t like about myself (there are so many), but I digress…

In the book I’m studying, The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, I just finished reading about this problem. Obviously, it’s a common trait among human beings, and the big problem for “artists” is that in eyeing someone else’s perceived accomplishments, you’re letting yourself get distracted from your own creativity, your own goals. You need to stay focused on your own stuff, not let competition distract and block you. But reading about the problem just smacked me in the face, it hit so close to home. I have a tendency to ignore my own problems and pretend they don’t exist. This wouldn’t let me……very depressing, suffocating, scary.

How do I overcome this? I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, even when it’s something I want too! As Julia reminds me over and over, it’s really not the goal that’s important but the process. Doing the work is the most satisfying part, the act of creation. Stay focused on what I’m doing…

No, you haven’t missed anything…this is just a brand-new blog, but the actual diet has been going on for a few weeks. I was so excited this morning to weigh, because I had absolutely no doubt that I would lose, but how much (I only allow myself to weigh in once a week, to lessen my frustration on a day-to-day basis and to add to my positive anticipation…it’s so hard to wait!)? Drumroll please………..I gained a pound. I know, I know, don’t freak out, right? I AM SOOOOO FREAKING OUT!!!! You have got to understand how hard I have been trying, how good I have been…okay, not perfect, but good enough that gaining a pound was a complete and total shock. My excitement and anticipation over my weigh-in turns to utter despair……well, maybe that’s a little dramatic (people wonder where my sons get it), but I am totally bummed.

I have been walking since June, and I am up to 45 minutes 5-6 days a week (usually 6). My diet is South Beach which is very healthy and works well for me, PLUS I have been counting calories for the last 4 weeks diligently, and NOT ONCE have I gone over 2000 calories. I’m trying to keep it right at 1500 (yes, this past week I did go over that number several times, but still kept it under 2000 which is pretty good!). So I guess this means I’ll have to be stricter with my calories (and FAT intake)….sigh.

I know it sounds like I might be too strict, but really I’m not, because I have started menopause and hormones fluctuations cause your metabolism to go down (way down)…that’s why most women gain at least a little weight when they hit “the change”. I’ll admit it, I knew that losing weight was going to be really hard right now, but I still had this unreasonable secret hope that I would still be able to lose weight as easily as I did 10 years ago (or even 3…). If I can give any woman a sound piece of advice, it would be this: IF YOU HAVE WEIGHT YOU NEED TO LOSE, DO IT NOW, BEFORE YOU HIT MENOPAUSE, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT! I’ve known this for the last 5 years, and I have lost 25 pounds twice and gradually gained it back both times. I just can’t seem to get under 175 no matter what I do (okay I know why…).

The extenuating circumstances on the previous failures to continue losing have been that both times, I lost that weight during the summer WITH my DD, but both times she had to leave at the end of the summer to go back to college, and I have never been very motivated on my own. I need someone there to yell at me once in a while to “put the doughnut down and back away with your hands where I can see them!!” But this time, she and her husband are living here in Boise, so I have at least one year to take the weight off. That helps. And no, Bailey, I’m not giving up…NO WAY! I am just very disappointed that not only didn’t I lose one stinkin’ pound, I gained a pound! And I was even good over the weekend (the main reason I weigh on Mondays).

Okay, I paused in my rant long enough to take my morning walk, so I feel better…not a whole lot, but better. I will continue the saga of my eating habits and struggles with body-image issues tomorrow. I know you will wait with bated breath…

Everyone has habits that they would like to change, and SOME people even manage to change SOME of their bad habits if they really put forth the effort. Most of us go along doing absolutely nothing about our little foibles that we feel, deep down, don’t hurt anybody anyway and besides, they’re kind of endearing in an irritating sort of way! “You love the way I always (fill in your own ickiness here), don’t you?” Of course, they love you………in spite of those bad habits. Don’t kid yourself, they’re not that cute.

At 50, I am at least AWARE of most of my little idiosyncrasies, and some I have managed to alter over the years. Procrastination, however, isn’t one of them. It is the bane of my existence, and I irritate the fire out of MYSELF sometimes, because I’ll think I’m doing better, and BAM – it sneaks up on me again. Let’s take this morning for instance. I had a very vivid and unsettling dream that woke me up at 2AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep (doesn’t really happen too often, therefore I’m only mildly irritated). So I got up and wrote my morning pages, like the good girl that I am. That usually takes 45 minutes to an hour. [I must interject here that I usually get up at 5AM, not because I am a natural very-early bird, but because I have things to do just for myself and if I wait until "real" morning, they never get done and I am cranky all day trying to fit them in. "Morning pages" I learned from the book I'm studying, The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. She is my creative mentor at the moment, though she doesn't know it! Anyway, one of the "rules of the road" is that you get up every morning and write your morning pages FIRST THING, while your brain is still groggy. All sorts of interesting things come up when your brain is not fully functioning yet. It's a stream-of-consciousness type writing, you just write whatever is occupying your mind at the moment. It has made such a difference for me.] Okay, back to my procrastination rant. I finished my morning pages and thought, “Hmmmm, what should I do for the next 3 1/2 hours until I go for my walk?” Of course, my first urge is to go on Facebook and play a mindless game of Farkle or Bejewelled for an hour or so, but no…I will do something productive and bring my food diary up-to-date on Med Help (health website…helping me keep track of those healthy habits I’m trying to develop…my daughter and I are doing it together). Great idea!

Here’s where procrastination rears its ugly head and bites my backside. I procrastinate the WORST on things I absolutely loathe doing (like dusting…do NOT come to my house if you have bad dust allergies). And inputing stupid meals on that stupid website (no offense, Med Help) is just one of those things I hate to do! I keep track of everything I eat in a spiral, so I don’t forget…self back-pat – best I’ve ever done in keeping a food journal. But how long had it been since I had transferred my meals to the website diary? Almost 2 WEEKS!! I sat here for almost an hour and a half typing, clicking on foods I eat all the time (e.g. turkey sandwiches) and looking up the nutrition information for stuff I don’t know (just so you know, I couldn’t find any nutritional info for the bean and corn……um salad? chutney? salsa?……that I ate 2 helpings of at the potluck last night…I substituted 4-bean salad, whatever). UGH! And of course, my serpent critic is hissing in my ear, “If you would just take 10 lousy minutes each night before bed, you wouldn’t be sitting here slaving over this stupid thing.” I know, I know! Sheesh, I get it okay? Get off my back!

It’s those little things that really bug me a 4AM………..end of rant.