Oh my goodness. I passed the two hundred day mark (loooong gone) and didn’t even realize it! So sad. Motivation……..it comes and goes with a swiftness that leaves me breathless. I don’t know what to do about myself. I haven’t given up on my goals or even this blog (completely). I would really like to see the year finish with a flourish of activity and accomplishment. What can I say. I am adrift…

Weight - My daughter is doing much better than I am! She is the only thing that keeps me from giving up completely at this point. My original goal to lose 50 pounds in a year has turned into a struggle just to maintain my weight as is. I hover around the 200 mark, which is a total weight loss of 12 pounds. I haven’t been walking because of an injury of some kind to my knee….yet I watch Biggest Loser and those people push onward with all kinds of physical aches and pains…some much worse than mine! I guess I should down some ibuprofen, shut up about it and get going.

Romans - Now there’s a laugh. I haven’t memorized in months. My brain is just a tangled knot of chaos and indecision and apathy. I had chapter one down pat for a while and most of chapter 2. I know, I know. There’s still plenty of time to make headway….don’t nag!

Novel - I haven’t written in a long time either. I was planning to write all during the month of April, but got derailed by some family issues. I don’t feel I can go into details at this point, let’s just say someone needed my full physical and mental support the past few months and that has taken all my energy. I think things are getting better but it’s hard to tell at times………

Art- Well, I DID complete my goal of entering my paintings to be juried for Art in the Park here in Boise, and I felt very good about that…..for a while. I was supposed to hear whether I was accepted or not around May 1, and now it’s the 6th and still nothing. Very frustrating. I already made up my mind not to try to actually DO the show this year. I just can’t manage it financially or mentally. But it would be really nice to hear whether they felt I was good enough or not! I think it’s time to start painting again….

So there’s where it stands. Pathetic huh? I haven’t given up but I don’t know how to get my little engine back on the rails…help!

I did it! I completed one portion of my goals for the year! I actually painted enough paintings (5) to send in an application for Art in the Park (here in Boise), and mailed the application on Monday. Now, I began this quest on September 1, and the reason I picked that time was in hopes that I would actually get to be included in Art in the Park as an artist, but I have no control over that part. And to be perfectly honest, it would have to be a separate goal altogether, I have decided. This is because having the courage to paint and send in the application was a major accomplishment in itself, and I have no idea whether I will be accepted or not (NOT, more than likely…this is an objective opinion, not pessimism, taking into consideration my lack of experience and maturity as a painter).

I am torn between wanting to be acknowledged and validated as an artist, and being terrified of the commitment and expense of painting a BUNCH more paintings and having all kinds of copies made and the details (and again, expense) of having a booth in a professional venue. It’s daunting to say the least. I have a month between finding out I was accepted (May 1) and having to actually make the commitment to participate (June 1), so I would have time to weigh the pros and cons and decide if it’s even feasible for me to entertain the notion of going through with the show…sigh. But at least I completed the goal of trying for it. I am very happy with that, and to be perfectly frank, it’s the first major artistic goal I have completed in about 8 years. It feels good. And with all the chaos and stress going on in my life at the moment it feels REALLY good to be moving forward with SOMETHING.

So what’s next, you ask? Well, I haven’t been good at doing the art and the writing things at the same time, it’s just too hard to flip that switch on a daily basis. I have concentrated on the painting recently, so now I will switch to writing mode for a while. I plan to work on one of my novels for the next 6 weeks or so (I refuse to be too rigid in my time frame), until I hear about Art in the Park around May 1. Whether I’m accepted or not will decide for me how hard I will have to push with the art for the next 4 months until the show. For now, writing will be my thing. That includes Carly Boone! So if you’ve been waiting (im)patiently for that storyto resume, never fear. Carly will be back by, ooooooh, Monday at the latest.

I have not been very good lately on my health and fitness goal. Although I haven’t gained any weight back (still at 198/199….whew!), I haven’t been eating healthy enough and I haven’t been walking, due to a grumpy knee. I have decided that the knee hasn’t improved through resting it, so I plan to resume walking tomorrow morning (it actually doesn’t hurt WHILE I’m walking, just stiff and sore later). Anyway, I’m still determined to get healthier and lose a total of at least 50 pounds….I’m not giving up!

As for memorizing the book of Romans…well, I have neglected that terribly. But I still WANT to do it, so I keep telling myself it’s not a punishment, it’s a choice! I want to memorize, I want to memorize, I want to memorize…oh yeah, that oughta’ do it. *snickers*

So more than 50% of my time has flown away never to return, but I have completed 25% of the goal! Yeeeeeeeeee-haw!

Yesterday, I was exactly halfway to my goals. Scary, because I have wasted so much time since November, exciting because the “glass is still half full”. I’m only 50% of the way there, so I have plenty of time to keep working and striving toward my four goals. Six months to persevere and not let the stresses of life conquer me. I want to keep going, I want to complete as much of the journey as possible (heh, well the journey will be completed whether the goals are or not, right?). I’m feeling optimistic today, which is definitely an improvement over the last six weeks or so. Having a working computer again, and not having to borrow a son’s or daughter’s, helps quite a bit. Okay, here’s where I stand:

Romans – That’s not been going too well, but I plan to make leaps and bounds in the next six months. I can still memorize most of it!

Weight - This morning I weighed 198, yesterday 197. So I’ve lost a total of 15 pounds of the 50. Hey! Only 35 to go, then I can cut my hair (my own personal vow). Hija and I have started doing 30-day challenges to eat healthy and avoid those evil empty calories like white flour, white sugar, and fried foods. At the moment I hardly even miss them, even chips. What I do miss is the variety, and I have been too apathetic to find some new recipes to try. So eating is very boring, but my stomach has definitely shrunk and that’s a great feeling! My walking has been sporadic this winter, not because of bad weather…it’s been very mild here in the high desert…but because of apathy again. I just haven’t wanted to do ANYTHING. But I will work my way through the malaise and keep pressing forward.

Painting- Okay, well…I have procrastinated terribly the last month, but now I have a deadline of mailing off my application for Art in the Park by March 15, so I have two weeks to paint three paintings, fill out the application, take some good photos of said paintings, write a description of the booth I would use and include a picture of one, and decide on prices for my product, and get it all in the mail and postmarked by the 15th. No pressure there! Well, sometimes a deadline is just the ticket for me, a champeeeen procrastinator. And since entry is one of my major goals for the year, I MUST see it through. It would kill me to miss that deadline. So I have LOTS of incentive!

Novel - Nothing going on there, but I plan to spend SIX WEEKS writing (only), once my entry is mailed up to April 1. I will devote myself to writing for that six weeks. Until then it will stay on hold…

I honestly feel like I can make a big dent in all four of these goals by September 1, and possibly complete most of them. The journey is what is important! Just keep swimming, swimming………….

Struggling with self…obsessed with the Olympics and therefore getting nothing accomplished even though my deadline is one month away. Quick update:

Romans - nope, not doing much.

Weight - Stuck at 200 for the moment…there will be great rejoicing when I’m back in the “1′s”.

Art - Painting is stuck on half a marble…I’m sooooooooooooooooooo procrastinating on this one…perhaps I could start the next one …

Novel  – You’re kidding, right?

Yes, I absolutely can’t stand myself when I get this way….getting nothing accomplished. But I just can’t seem to shake the lethargy. Having a husband AND a son who are depressed just totally rubs off on me…it’s impossible to stay upbeat and optimistic and motivated while being sandwiched in between two lost souls (so to speak). My personality just can’t block it all out…it absorbs it. I’ll have to try and put up a wall for a while I guess and totally concentrate on myself. I’m not sure how to do that, however. Sigh……..

The last week has been full of hormones, mid-life crises, and all kinds of personal drama. Since I started this year-long journey to self-improvement/fulfillment, it seems that a lot of STUFF has been going on in my subconscious. It’s like the silt on the river-bottom of my psyche has been disturbed, making everything murky and unsettled. So I’ve begun having dreams. Weird, off-the-wall, disturbing dreams. I had one about my family, particularly my dead father, last week, which left me very depressed. I finally wrote it all out and sent it to my sister who has studied several books on interpreting your dreams. And do you know what she told me? I’ll tell you…she told me that since I’ve been actually doing something and feeling good about my progress, my subconscious feels okay about bringing up some ISSUES. That since I’m working on myself, and trying to overcome my fears and develop my creative talents, I’m changing….into what, I’m not sure. But I shouldn’t be afraid of the changes, they are good and natural. And that the journey is exciting and scary and fulfilling all at the same time. Oh, and lots of other stuff about changes in attitude about myself…how I view myself. It’s all very interesting, and more importantly, feels accurate. But change is very scary, so I have been extremely emotional and volatile this last week. It’s tiring, but productive. Here’s what is going on with my goals:

Romans – after three months of ignoring my memorizing, I’ve started again and have finally just about conquered chapter 2…a TOUGH chapter to memorize, let me tell you. I’ll be happy to move on to chapter 3. And although I’m technically way behind, it’s okay. At least I’ve started up again and am moving forward.

Weight- Ugh! Don’t get me started. Menopause and the accompanying metabolic slow-down totally SUCKS! I began a 30-day challenge with Hija, to kind of jump-start our diets again post-holiday season, which is fine. But I promised to stay on Phase One (South Beach Diet) until I got down to 198 pounds, which at this point in my life was way too ambitious. I have been on Phase One for two solid weeks now (feels like a month……REALLY), and I still need to lose 4 pounds. A mere five years ago, I could go on Phase One and drop a solid 10 pounds in two weeks. This time…..4. A lousy, stinkin’ 4 pounds, and other than eating a few things too high in fat (peanut butter being the main one, but only once a day!), I’ve been very good. Of course, I’m still trying to get my walking habit back to where it was before November. I’ve walked 3 days this week so far, not too bad. TODAY I walked the WHOLE circuit around HP, which took 65 minutes (I was surprised it didn’t take longer), but I was so tired when I got home. I’ve made a promise to myself that every time I skip walking for no good reason (except on Sunday….a good reason would be running a fever…..but in bad weather I could still walk IN THE HOUSE) that I have to walk that route. That is a very good incentive for me. Anyway….I have weighed between 200 and 202 the last several days, and I’m trying to resist the temptation to starve myself. I know that’s not going to help me get healthy in the long run.

Art – the deadline for my application for Art in the Park is due by March 15 (less than 6 weeks……eek!), and I must have at least 5 paintings completed to my satisfaction by then. I have 3 that I am willing to submit right now, so I need to come up with at least 2 more. But in reading the application instructions, I found that I have to have a representative painting in several different sizes. Oops, all mine are pretty much the same size. I’m hoping I can whip out a couple of small ones before then. Anyway, that is my main focus at the moment.

Novel – Because of the art thing, I haven’t been writing at all. I have tried to plan on writing at least 1000-5000 words per week, to keep it going, but so far……….nothing. I’ll tell you, it is extremely difficult for me to focus on FOUR completely different things at the same time…something always suffers. Sigh.

But overall, at this moment in time (which could change within a few hours!), I feel pretty good about my progress. Now I must go paint….I’m such a good girl.

I sooooo don’t feel like giving a detailed update today. I’m working on my goals, okay? Don’t push me!

Romans – working on it.

Weight – working on it.

Painting – REALLY working on it.

Novel – neglecting it at the moment (for painting).

There……..now get off my back.

Yes, well…..hmmm. I have been struggling to get myself back to a routine and get busy on my goals again. It’s this dreary winter weather. I love winter, but all I want to do is curl up with a blanket and a good book. Hibernating…I fight the urge daily. But I walked a couple of days last week, and I’ve already gotten up early and walked both days this week so far…although it’s a battle between my will and my body wanting to stay snuggled under the nice warm flannel sheets and comfy comforter. I will conquer! Here’s the update on goals:

Romans – Um, yeah. I haven’t memorized a single verse in two months, but today I started reviewing the first chapter, and hopefully by Friday I will again be able to say the first two chapters. I have a group of ladies that are all committed to some spiritual study, then we blog our goals and accomplishments to be accountable to others for our efforts. That starts next Monday, so it will help me tremendously!

Health and Weight- It always feels like two steps forward and one step back when it comes to my weight. I get so discouraged at times. I’m pretty much where I was when the holidays started, so at least I didn’t slide all the way back down the hill I have struggled to climb, but it is so HARD to stay away from junk food for me. Sunday night I ate a bunch of Fritos with salsa and paid dearly for the brief pleasure. Monday morning, my stomach woke me up with some major heartburn/reflux at about 2 am. I laid there trying to sleep until 3, then had to get up. My stomach felt like it had a rock in it all day yesterday, so I learned an important lesson. As much as I love Fritos, my stomach just doesn’t tolerate that much grease any more…this is a good thing, although it makes me sad. I will keep reporting in, but I won’t tell my weight until I’ve lost at least 5 more pounds.

Art in the Park – I must complete at least 6 paintings that I like well enough to present with my application for Art in the Park by March 1, when the application is due. That’s about one per week, people. I’m not sure I can do it, but I’m going to try. I have one almost completed, and I’m going to go ahead and start the next one at the same time, since they’ll be in different stages. I’ll post the one I’m working on when it’s finished.

Novel – When I transferred the novel I’m writing from my laptop to this PC, I did a word count and realized that I have over 10,000 words. I’m very excited about that. Of course, with the big push to paint, the writing will have to take a back burner for several weeks. But I’m going to try really hard to write at least a little bit every day. We’ll see.

I’m trying something new (for me). I’m keeping a spiral notebook in which I make a list on Monday of what I want to accomplish for the week. Then I break it down into tasks for each day and try to cross things off each day. This way I have long term goals (the year-long ones), mid-term goals (6 paintings by March 1), and short-term goals (daily list) to concentrate on. I put too many things on the list every day, but I’ll feel good if I can get at least some of them crossed off! I’m not an organized person, and my whole being balks at schedules, but I’m trying to compromise and keep a loose one that leaves me wiggle room. We’ll see. I refuse to give up…..although I honestly feel like it at least once a day. My Eeyore side is always whispering in my head (you have to hear THAT voice when you read it), “What’s the point? You’re never going to finish all those goals. And even if you do, it won’t be worth anything, and nobody cares anyway.” Ugh! I hate that voice! It doesn’t matter if NOBODY cares but me. It doesn’t matter if NOBODY will buy my paintings. It doesn’t matter if I can’t sell my novel. It doesn’t even matter if I have absolutely no talent, that my paintings and novel are total crap. I still MUST do it. I must keep going. I HAVE TO DO THIS. So there.

Here I am, with a little less than 9 months left to complete my journey and my goals. That’s still plenty of time, right? I feel energized and motivated today, something I haven’t felt for oh, about 6 weeks…once Thanksgiving rolls around, I’m pretty much useless until the first of the year. Then last week, right when I should be gearing myself back up again, I caught a bad cold and did nothing but sit and play computer games all week. By Saturday,  I was pretty much sick of myself, but I feel much better now physically and mentally. I sat down yesterday and made out a loose daily schedule (if I make it TOO structured I just never stick to it) to help me get things accomplished, and I made a list of things that I want to get done just for THIS week. So far so good. My ultimate goals are still memorizing the whole book of Romans, completing the first draft of one novel, entering my watercolors in Art in the Park, and getting healthier by losing 50 pounds.

Over the holidays I did gain 5 pounds, but I have lost most of that. I did complete two paintings, but they were Christmas presents for my son and son-in-law and as both of them came from copyrighted material, I won’t even post photos of them…let’s just say they turned out pretty sweet and leave it at that. No writing to speak of, and I’m WAY behind on my memorizing. But that’s okay, I’m ready to go!

Here’s the deal, though. I need to have at least 6 (count ‘em, SIX) watercolors that I like enough to submit for judging by March 1 (that’s when the applications for Art in the Park are due). So between now and March 1, I must paint at least one painting per week to meet that deadline. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Suffice it to say, painting will have to be my big push for the next 7 weeks! And I’ll try NOT to think about the fact that I might not be able to come up with stuff I like…JUST PAINT!!! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. My heart is palpitating just thinking about it…I’m climbing Mt. Everest here, folks. I can do this.

Okay, I gave myself all kinds of small stuff to get done this week, but the three main short-term goals are:

1) Review Romans 1 and 2 and finish memorizing chapter 2 (only about 5 more verses)
2) Complete ONE painting by Sunday
3) Write 5000 words of either of my novels (or a combination of the two)

My concentration for eating healthier for this week is lots of water, NO SUGAR, little or no carbs at night (and I started walking again today). Trying to keep it simple, since I have so much other stuff on my mind…I can do this. I’ll let you know next week how it went! Now, take a deep breath aaaaaaand….JUMP!

Wow. 119 days. Not much to show for it, and the holidays put a serious dent in my time. Oh well. I’m getting back on track…I’ve gotten up at 5 am two days in a row and did my morning pages and walked. That’s a good start to getting back to my routine. Next, I will see if I can remember ANY of Romans and will finish up a couple of Christmas projects so I can start on a new painting. I’m working on Carly Boone, I’ll be able to post something tomorrow, I think. And I will review what Hija and I have written on our “chicklit” novel and will get started on that again (did you hear that, Hija? we have some time before you start classes again…let’s get busy!!!). Thanks, loyal readers, for your impassioned comments. I won’t give up…I won’t. I still have 2/3 of my time left! I will pursue those goals!

Let me be succinct.
Nothing happening.
No progress made.