8/4

Only 3 more days till my birthday and 4 till the party. I am sooooo over this being housebound stuff. I am not a very good patient (as Mom keeps reminding me). I hate lying around, I want to be up doing stuff. But I’ll admit it, I just don’t feel like it yet. If I stand for long, I get dizzy and my legs get shaky. If I read for more than 10 minutes, my head starts pounding and my vision goes all blurry and weird. And I’ve been weepy too. Headcase came to see me today (I know, right?? Here in my own home!), and when I saw her I just started crying and couldn’t seem to stop until my eyes were all read and puffy, my skin was blotchy, and I had to blow my nose (very gently….and it still really hurt!). She just sat with me on the couch and put her arm around me (she even made sure I had an afghan around my shoulders to “protect” me from her thoughts, so I could just be sad…that simple kindness made me cry even harder for a while).

Once most of the storm had passed, we sat and talked quietly and she let me babble about whatever I felt like. I talked about the kidnapping and how scared I had been but just wouldn’t let myself feel it at the time. I was so afraid about what was happening, trying not to think about where we were going or what he was probably planning, and that he might kill both of us. I said that I’ve been having nightmares every night, not necessarily reliving that day, but disturbing images and things I can’t remember, I just wake up sweating and my heart beating so hard it feels like it will just jump out of my chest. Last night I woke up with tears on my face and I don’t even know what I was crying about in the dream.

Headcase said that it’s perfectly normal to feel like crying for no reason and to have nightmares after what I’ve been through. She called it “post-traumatic stress” (I’ve heard about that…I know it’s common among soldiers coming home from the Middle East). She said that it should gradually get better and I shouldn’t worry too much about it, that it’s just my mind trying to make sense of the trauma I endured and to work through it. And she reminded me that my brain itself has been injured and that will affect me for a while also. But she said to be sure to tell my parents if it gets worse, not better. I promised I would.

I told her that I didn’t get a chance to give her card to Heather, but that I think it’s a great idea. She said it was okay to call Heather, so I did right then. I’ve decided it’s silly to be embarrassed that I see a therapist when she helps me, and I think she could really help Heather and her mother a lot….maybe even her dad too. That’s what I told Heather on the phone, and I gave her Headcase’s name and phone number. She sounded really grateful for the reference, and said she’d ask her mom about making an appointment. We talked for just a minute more, and agreed we’d talk some more later.

Headcase asked if I thought I needed to come more than once a week for a while, and I said I’d wait and see. She suggested that I keep some paper and a pen next to my bed, and maybe write down some of the dreams right when I wake from them, then we could talk about them during my next session and perhaps figure out what my brain is trying to tell me. I said I’d give it a try. I felt so much better after her visit. I went and gave Mom a big hug and said thanks for calling her, but Mom said she didn’t. She said Headcase saw the news reports and called Mom to ask if she could come over and see me….she thought I’d probably need to talk about it. I’m grateful she cares about me enough to check up on me!

8/5

I’m happy to report that my two black eyes are now smudged with a shade of puke green around the edges….lovely. At least the swelling in my nose has started to go down and I’m getting around easier. I’m still not fit to be seen in public, but I’m hopeful that it will look better (and not so scary) by Saturday. Mom has assured me that with a little make-up (or maybe a lot), we can hide most of the discoloration by then. Meanwhile, the phone has continued to ring off the hook, with people wanting to interview me and I’m sure get all the gory details of my kidnapping and rescue. Mom keeps threatening to just go ahead and get rid of the house phone altogether, but there is still ONE of us in this family who doesn’t have a cell phone and therefore MUST have a means of communication! She just kind of huffs when I remind her of that.

Sophie came over this afternoon to talk about the party plans. I didn’t know it, but she had already called Mom earlier in the week and talked her into ten more guests, and according to Sophie, everybody that’s invited is planning to come….wow. 30 people planning to come to my birthday party makes my mouth go dry. I asked her if I even know all these people, and she just waved her hand in a breezy way and said of course. She and Mom talked about colors and decorations and games and food, and I just sat there only half listening. I’m sure it will be great, as Sophie’s parties always are, but I really wish I hadn’t let her talk me into this…..big parties, lots of people….it’s just not my type of thing, especially looking like a zombie-face! Ugh. You know, I’ll bet Sophie could have a thriving business right now, at 14, as an event planner. That girl sure has a flair for it. But then, Sophie has the personality and the confidence to be successful doing just about anything she puts her energy to. I want to be HER when I grow up.

8/6

Feeling a little better every day, although my face is still looking VERY scary. I practiced with some make-up today, but it was a disaster. Oh, I was able to cover up the purple/black/green/yellow mess, but then I looked like death warmed over (with freckles). I’ll have to let Mom do it on Saturday, I guess.

I’m able to read a little longer now, and I played my flute today (that still kind of gives me a headache, but I can’t totally lose my embouchure!). My head is swimming only a little and my legs aren’t shaky any more. Still having nightmares, but when I wake up they’re just gone like a puff of smoke. So far, I haven’t been able to write anything down.

Jon called this afternoon to see how I’m feeling, I thought that was very sweet. (Cooper called yesterday, but I was taking a nap….rats!) Heather called and we talked for quite a while, mostly comparing aches and pains and recoveries. I think we’re both going to feel a little awkward with each other for a bit, just because the wounds are still so fresh, but there’s also a bond between us that I don’t think will ever be broken, a bond I can’t even explain adequately. What we went through together, that terror, that ordeal…only the two of us can understand. It’s like a secret club with us as the only members. Weird, but very real.

Tomorrow I will be 14 years old. Yay me!