7/26 (more)

Yeah, I left off…Mom came up to my room to see how I was doing. I felt like yelling, “HOW DO YOU THINK I’M DOING?? I WAS IMMERSED IN THE MIND OF A FREAK!!” But I didn’t yell at her. I let her fuss over me and hug me (and almost mask her worried thoughts behind “happy” little thoughts of puppies and rainbows). She’s really half afraid that the sicko thoughts I see in people will make me a total hermit or a bag lady or in an insane asylum or something. How can I reassure her about that? Who knows?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, screaming my lungs out. I hope the next time I have a little more self-control….I’m not a baby for goodness sake. But it did make Jerry Fowler let go of my arm with an utterly stunned look on his face. And what do you think happened next? Dad rushes in and tackles him! I mean, flat out, knock over a couple of merchandise racks, take him DOWN tackle. I was impressed…although for a second I thought, “Where did he come from?” —He told me later that he had been watching us from the upper level and when he saw JF go into the shop after Heather left it, he called mall security and the police…..yes, he overreacted just a smidge. He hadn’t expected JF to approach me (and if Heather and I had stayed together, he probably wouldn’t have tried it).— And just a few seconds behind him were a couple of mall security guys, who kind of pulled Dad off JF and held them both until they heard what was going on. It was total chaos for a few minutes, and a small crowd started gathering outside the store, trying to see what was happening. Mom and Heather rushed in a few seconds after the security guys, and everyone was talking at once, and I really felt like yelling, “Everyone shut up and get a grip!”

Instead, I took a couple of deep breaths, and just kept saying over and over (till it sunk in for somebody!), “Everything is okay, it was a mistake, I’m fine, nothing happened.” One of the security guys took JF out of the store and sat him on a bench (but not before JF looked back at me and gave a weird little smirk), and questioned him while they waited on the police to show up. The other guy (very cute…. although I barely noticed in my state of post-stress and embarrassment) calmed Mom and Dad down and wrote down what I said happened after asking me some questions. Heather stood to one side and kept biting her nails (it didn’t take any mind-reading to see she was upset and embarrassed too). I tried to totally push the thoughts from JF to the very deep dark back of my mind and not let them keep flashing in still shots…it wasn’t easy. And explaining why I got so upset and screamed wasn’t too easy either. My parents were watching me and Mom kept a hand on my shoulder for moral support. I just said that he was acting kind of crazy and that he grabbed me and it scared me, with his violent history….which was completely and totally true. It’s hard to explain things convincingly when you have to leave out important details. And it makes me feel icky. Dad touched my arm and sent “you’re doing great” and “everything will be okay” thoughts in my direction, which did help calm me down a little more.

Anyway, I had to tell it all again when the police came, and they decided to take JF down to the station to question him more there. Technically he violated the restraining order, because he was too close to Heather in the other shop, but they didn’t seem very concerned about that. They kept us there for almost an hour telling and retelling what happened, and by the time we dropped Heather off at home and got home ourselves, I was spent. I’ve just been laying on my bed trying not to think about anything at all, but that doesn’t seem to work so here I sit rehashing it AGAIN.

That guy scares me. I sure hope they lock him up. Heather and I need to have a talk about this….I have a feeling she needs to level with her mom about JF. I couldn’t tell if he’s ever actually done anything to her, but he sure wants to, and he has probably let her know that not so subtly. At the very least I’ll bet she’s terrified of him. I’ll have to tell my parents about it soon too….I put them off tonight and they let me, but I know they’re going to want answers very soon. I’m going to bed…I hope I sleep….and don’t dream.

7/26

Today was bad, as in mind-reading bad. You know when you get something really icky on your hands and you scrub and scrub to get it off? I sooooooooooooo wish I could do that with my mind, particularly my memory. Some of these thoughts I see and hear are so gross, and my mind can’t un-hear them, un-see them, and sometimes it takes a long time to forget them. And Headcase insists it’s a gift. Yeah, right. She’s definitely going to hear about this.

It started after church. Heather and her mom were headed toward their car, which was parked on the street right in front of the church building. They’ve been so nervous that they got there early just so they could find a spot closest to the front doors. Sophie had already left with her family, but I was watching them go (so were several of the men, just keeping an eye on them), when they suddenly stopped in unison, turned around and headed back toward us. I looked around and spotted Jerry Fowler down about ½ a block and across the street. Two of the men saw him too, and started walking quickly his way (I’m sure they were just going to ask him politely to go away and leave Heather’s mom alone….these ARE church people!). When JF saw them coming, he took off running down the street….he must have left his car somewhere out of sight. The two men ran a short way to make sure he was really leaving, then came back. There was a tight bunch of us, including my parents, that stood around for a short time, with the adults trying to decided what, if anything, they should/could do about it. My dad called and talked to his friend from the police department, who told him the same thing that the police had told Heather’s mom. If he’s far enough away and doesn’t try to approach her or talk to her, then he’s not breaking any law and they can’t do anything to him. There’s no law against standing on the street, even if it happens to be wherever she is.

After more discussion, the men decided to take volunteers to drive by her house several times a day on a schedule to keep an eye on things and hopefully make JF nervous enough to leave her alone. The women said they could take turns showing up for unannounced visits when she’s home from work in the evenings (it would be better if these are more random so there’s no pattern he can get around), and stay just long enough to have a cup of coffee or something. The McMillan family volunteered to organize the whole thing and said they’d send out an email to ask for help. I think it made Heather and her mom feel a little better, just knowing people will be watching out for them. Heather whispered to me that her real dad has even offered to sleep on their couch several nights a week, but her mom has been resisting that. She thinks it’s too much of an imposition on him (I’ll bet she changes her mind about that). Everyone agreed that they’ll just keep it up until his trial, then hopefully he’ll go to jail for a while and everything will go back to normal.

When the cluster of people was starting to break up and head home, I checked with Mom then I asked Heather if she wanted to come home with me for the afternoon. At first she said no, but when I touched her arm I knew she wanted to do anything besides go home today, so I pushed a little harder and she asked her mom. Her mom smiled in my direction and nodded that it was okay, so we left and stopped by their house on the way home while Heather ran in and got some non-church clothes.

We made sandwiches for lunch, and hung out in my room for a while listening to Pandora Radio, then I asked Heather if she wanted to hang out at the mall for a while. I bribed her with the promise of Baskin-Robbins. I went to ask Mom if it was okay, and I could tell right away that she was really nervous about us going there by ourselves, with what had happened after church. She said that she has been wanting to check out some of the summer sales, so she’d take us (but not hang out with us) and bring us back in a few hours. I thought that was a little silly, but I didn’t have much choice…it was either have Mom tag along or stay home. Heather didn’t have a problem with it at all (I knew it was because she’s so nervous, the more the better). Dad ended up going too (Dad wanting to walk around the mall with Mom instead of dozing in front of a baseball game….nooooo, that’s not fishy at all), but as soon as we got to the mall, I ditched the parental units.

Heather and I walked the length of the mall and back on the upper level, and I didn’t catch a single glimpse of her stepdad. We got an ice cream and sat on a bench eating them slowly and chatting about nothing, then I suggested we go in the accessories store right below us on the ground level. While we were headed down the escalator, I did see Dad leaning on the rail above us with his arms crossed, but he was facing away from us, probably waiting outside a shop for Mom (if it’s lingerie, he won’t even step foot in the store…what a male, right?).

Once we were inside the bangles shop, we looked at the earrings (not having pierced ears yet because Mom hasn’t let me is totally poopy), and hair clips. Heather said she wanted to check out Hot Topic which was 2 doors down, and I said okay, I’d be there in a minute. I couldn’t quite make up my mind between two sets of barrettes. I was concentrating on the rack in front of me, when I suddenly felt like someone was watching me. I looked around and there was Jerry Fowler heading toward me from the front of the store. I have no idea how long he had been following us or how he even knew Heather was with me, but there he was coming right at me with an intently determined look on his face. Why me? Why not approach Heather? Duh, there’s probably a restraining order with her too. I looked around to figure out how to get around him without talking to him, but you know how small those accessory shops are. There was pretty much no getting around him.

JF: Could I talk to you for minute…Carly, isn’t it? (he puts out his hand tentatively in a kind of, you know, questioning gesture, palm up)
Me: (starting to scoot around the circular rack I was looking at, wondering how to easily get around him) Yes, it’s Carly. What do you want to talk to me about?
JF: (edging closer and talking rapidly) I remember how concerned you were when Heather was missing, and I see that you are a good friend of hers. I was wondering if you would pass along a message to her, for me.
Me: (trying to keep distance, and the racks, between us) I don’t think so, Mr. Fowler. I don’t think Heather wants to hear from you.
JF: (continuing to move forward and closing the gap between us…small smile but with a hard glint in his eyes) Oh, I think she does. I know she wants us to be a family again, she’s just afraid to say so with her mother so mad at me, and (hastily with palm out in a “stop” gesture) I don’t blame her for that! She loves her mother and doesn’t want to upset her.
Me: (my heart is beating harder and I just want to get out of there without him touching me) Heather and her mom really don’t want to have anything to do with you. Why don’t you just accept that and leave them alone? (maybe if I keep talking I can get around him and back up enough to turn and run out of the store…I keep edging sideways)
JF: Now see, Carly, that’s where you’re wrong. Once Heather’s mom forgives me again and takes me back, everything will be back to normal. (once again he ooches forward and I can tell he’s closing the gap between us…my heart-pounds go up another notch)
Me: (torn between keeping an eye on Mr. Fowler and trying to find another person in the store….you might know it’s completely empty at the moment, even the salespeople are in the back or something…I was only half listening to his rant, but suddenly I zero in on what he’s saying) What do you mean, again?
JF: (with a knowing look) Do you think this is the first time Mrs. Fowler and I have had a little tiff? No, no, she’s left me a couple of times before, but she always takes me back. I admit that things got out of hand this time, but she’ll come around. She’ll forgive me, she always does, and then we’ll be a happy family again. That’s what I want you to tell Heather. I want you to tell her not to worry, that she’ll be with me again, and I’ll take care of her, just like I was before. I’ll be her daddy again.
Me: Heather has a father, and it’s not you. And it won’t be you, ever. (I’m starting to panic, so afraid he’s going to grab me….he’s almost within arm’s reach)
JF: It’s okay, Carly. You don’t need to be scared of me, I’m not going to hurt you. And I’m not going to hurt Heather either, when we’re back together as a family. I’m going to take good care of her. (tone turns to sneering) Her so-called father was never there for them. He’s completely self-involved and doesn’t care about anybody but himself. I have been there every day, and I still am. I’m still watching out for both of them. I won’t let anyone hurt them or take them away from me (the look in his eye seems more crazed than at first, or is it just me??).

Right then I decided I had heard more than enough, and hoping I was close enough to the front opening, I turned to run….but he was closer and quicker than I thought. He grabbed my arm in a firm grip…

Oh no you don’t…..we’re not done till I say we’re done….you’re pretty cute for such a scrawny little thing….almost like a little girl….that’s okay….that’s just fine….come visit Heather any time you want….Heather’s almost too old for my liking anyway….Carolyn will have to tow the line….it’s her own fault I hit her….if she would just do what I say, everything would be perfect….I’ll take care of her as soon as I get her back….she’ll do what I say….and so will Heather….just what I say.

There were pictures in there of what he planned to do to them (and me) to go along with this stream of thoughts (and although it only took 5 seconds at most, it was all very clear and detailed…..he had been developing these fantasies for quite a while), and to my surprise, I did just what I did when I was pre-schooler confronted with a total pervert. I opened my mouth and screamed bloody murder.

7/21

Thermometer hovering around 101 again today. My brain feels fried (so glad I don’t live somewhere like Arizona!!!!!!). Cool shower, iced tea, standing over an air conditioning vent for a solid 15 minutes helped some.

Headcase appointment today. I shared my worries about marching band (and high school in general) and reading people when I need to be concentrating on something else, so we talked about that. We made a list together of ways to avoid or block out unwanted thoughts, like long sleeves (obviously, but I can hardly wear overalls and a plaid shirt to band camp, when everyone else is wearing shorts and tank tops), or singing a song in my head (again, difficult….unless I concentrate really hard on the song we’re playing at the time). She said at school I could recite something complex in my head, like a math problem or theorem or something. We also talked about “walling off” that part of my brain, picturing a big brick wall in there where the thoughts can’t get through. I have NO idea how to do that or if it would even work. Sometimes I really wish I knew someone else who is like me, especially an adult….I need a mentor! But it made me feel just a little bit better that there’s some things I can at least try. Maybe I’ll practice on my family or Sophie!

Well, if I’m going to have to try out for varsity, I’d better start practicing every day again. Of course, I could blow it “accidentally”, but I just couldn’t do that. I may not like the attention, but I’m a little too competitive to sound bad on purpose. I’ll do my best and see what happens. I’m probably not good enough anyway. Most years, only about 10 or so freshman make varsity, sometimes less (part of that depends on what instruments they need to fill and which ones they already have too many of…maybe there’s tons of flutes!). So I’m sure I have nothing to worry about!

7/22

16 days until my birthday, then I won’t be barely a teenager, but a solid one. Mom and Dad said I could have a “mixed” party if I want with up to 20 friends, either here or at the lake. I need to talk to Sophie, my Social Director, about that. That doesn’t sound too fabulous to me, but I know she’ll be super-excited about it. Maybe we could keep it small. I would even like a sleepover again, with just girls. There’s just a lot less pressure without guys there….at least for me.

In case you’re wondering, I continue to think about Gray a lot, wondering what he’s doing and if he’s thinking of me (I’m NOT thinking about Cooper, not at all…….well, not much).

7/23

Things to do:
Talk to Sophie about birthday party
Practice the flute
Finish Mockingjay, so I can return it to library
Not think about Gray
Not think about Cooper even more

7/24

Payday! I love payday! Payday is the best day! I’m beginning to be seriously loaded! Even after the money I spent on clothes, I still have lots! Of course, it helps not to have anything to spend money on besides that, like bills. I was the big spender tonight and ordered pizza for the fam (Matt was at work, but I ordered enough so there would be leftovers for him). The funniest part was that I ordered from the pizza parlor where he works, so HE was the delivery guy! HA! He was totally impressed that I paid with my own money (and gave a generous tip, if I say so myself). Did I mention I love payday??? (two weeks till my birthday)

7/25

Sophie and I went to the lake today, and Jon was NOT there (for a change). Those two have been practically attached at the hip for the last several weeks, so it was nice to have her to myself for once (jealous much? Just a little). I was only slightly disappointed that Heather and Tessa were there too (cuz you don’t feel like you can just ignore your friends). Heather was acting all jittery, and Tessa told us it was because she and her mom have seen Jerry Fowler “lurking” in different places at least a couple of times a week. He’s obviously following them, and Heather said she saw him taking pictures once. They have told the police that he’s scaring them, but he always stays far enough away that he doesn’t get in trouble, and he’s pretty sneaky about it too…as long as he’s not actually coming close to Heather’s mom there’s not much they can do. His trial for battery is set for some time in the fall, and Heather is hoping he’ll get jail time, but until then they don’t know what to do to make him stay away. He’s also been calling and hanging up, and he sent Heather’s mom some “anonymous” flowers and emails begging her to take him back. Heather wants to stay with her dad, but she’s afraid to leave her mom alone in their house. She thinks he’s less likely to come over if she’s there. I hope she’s right.

Cooper wasn’t in the snack bar today, but I was only a little curious about where he was. I bought some Corn-nuts, and casually asked his dad (I think it was his dad) where he was. He smiled in this parental “knowing” way (which totally made me blush), and said that Cooper was dirt-biking for the day with friends…..hmmm. He asked if I wanted him to tell Cooper “hi” and before I thought about it, I said “sure”. Then I hurried off before I could embarrass myself any more (that would be hard to do!). That’s what happens when I give into my curiosity…..it never ends well. The good news is that I’m pretty sure Cooper’s dad doesn’t know my name, since we’ve never been introduced. There’s probably plenty of girls who would say “hi” so maybe Cooper won’t know who it was. Or better yet, maybe his dad will totally forget to tell him!

Okay, that’s the end of the Saturday saga….now to go practice the flute some more.