Due to circumstances partially within my control, I will not be posting a Carly segment today. Look for a new one on Wednesday. The title of today’s post suggests that I’m not a mindreader myself. This is a good point. It would be really nice to get some feedback occasionally on Carly’s journal. Do you like it, do you not? Do you like Carly? How do you feel about her friends? You give me this feedback in that little spot called “comments”. That would be wonderful, thank you. Happy Halloween, friends!

7/19

Church. Lunch. Flute. Book. Monopoly with family (I NEVER win at this game…Dad and Matt get vicious). Nothing from Gray. Sigh.

7/20

Another Monday…..not even a “manic Monday”. 102 today. Thought I was seriously going to die. I’ll bet I drank at least a gallon of water. Sophie and I went to the lake just to cool off in the water (which felt like taking a bath), but it was so crowded with moms and little kids that we only stayed about half an hour. Just too much splashing and noise. We came back here and watched “27 Dresses”, and Sophie stayed for dinner.

That was interesting…not. We got into a discussion about school and band. Sophie was telling my parents how excited she is for marching band to start, and being nervous about trying out for varsity band, which led to them questioning me about that little detail, which I had been withholding from them. I made it clear that I wasn’t planning to try out for varsity, and they made it clear that I was. Ugh! Sometimes Sophie has a really big mouth.

Here’s the deal. All band members have to do marching band practice (which starts up right after my birthday, the second week in August). It includes conditioning, marching, playing, then marching and playing at the same time. It’s four hours a day for four weeks until school starts, then one hour before school and three hours after school for the varsity band until football season (and marching competition) is over. During the preseason work-outs, everyone gets used to marching and playing and does the exercises for strength and stamina, because eventually they’ll be in marching band and the transition is easier if you’ve already been doing it with everyone else (also, if the director needs a sub on an instrument for some reason he has people to choose from who are not totally clueless). During that time everyone has the opportunity to try out for varsity if they want to. If you don’t try out or you don’t make the cut, you’re automatically either in freshman band (which is mostly for the freshman who just don’t practice or beginners) or JV (everybody else who’s not good enough… or don’t want to try out…for varsity). Seniors are automatically in varsity no matter what.

Now there’s a reason I don’t want to try out for varsity (okay, there’s more than one). Our high school is not that big….somewhere in the middle….with around 2000 students (there are three high schools in our area). But it is a HUGE “arts” school. Visual and performing arts: drawing, painting, ceramics, screen printing, sculpture, photography, drama, choir (and show choir….like “Glee”), journalism (school Zine and webcast), AND band are all big. Kids request transfers to our school all the time to get a more “in depth” education in those areas with excellent teachers. There is a long waiting list to get into our high school. Our varsity band marches around 150-175, depending on how much talent there is at the time. Kids fight to get each and every spot. It’s very competitive. I AM NOT. Not only am I not competitive, I’m shy. And as we know, I’m shy for a very good reason. I’m probably going to barely make it through marching camp as it is….there’s lots of brushing up against people, at least that’s the way it looks to me! How am I going to concentrate on my marching with all those conflicting thoughts invading? Eeeek!

I did make a half-hearted attempt to reason with my parents (knowing it would do no good whatsoever), but they said since I have to do the practice anyway, I might as well try out, and that I have nothing to lose. They have this thing about going all out, and doing your best, and putting yourself out there. Pushy parents.

I am seriously going to murder Sophie.

7/12

After church today, a bunch of families went out to lunch at Golden Corral, to take Heather’s mom out for her birthday. When she saw how many people were there (probably 50 if you include little kids), she started bawling….then that made a bunch of the ladies cry too….a total faucet fest (I guess I got a tiny bit teary too, but I didn’t need a kleenex or anything). Anyway, she got a bunch of cards and a pretty bouquet of flowers. Heather, Sophie, and I sat as far from the parents as possible (natch’).

After lunch, the three of us went to the mall and found some amaaaaaaaaaazing deals. I got several skirts, shirts, jeans, and found the cutest pair of boots! AND we found this big sale on flipflops, and we each bought 2 or 3 pairs. I got a hot pink pair with purple polka dots on them…..suh-weet! I even bought a new pale blue swimsuit….still a one-piece, but it didn’t look like a 10-year-old.

I was hoping for an email from Gray (yes, I thought about it all day), but nothing. It’s almost bedtime, so I guess I won’t be getting one this week. Crud.

7/13

Mowing………..mowing………………..mowing. I must have THE most boring job in the world. At least I’m not allergic to grass, right? Hey, I’m TRYING to be more positive. Get a life. Wish I could.

7/14

Nothing. Saw Headcase….blah, blah, blahdy-blah.

7/15

Again, nothing. Went to Bible study tonight, and talked about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. Their lives were about as exciting as mine.

7/16

Got an email from Jon today, and he apologized for causing the trouble between Gray and me. I wrote him back and accepted his apology, and told him I know he was just trying to protect Gray, and that I hope he’s still friends with Cooper.

7/17

Went to the lake after work today with Sophie and Jon. Cooper’s dad let him take a break and he went swimming with us for a while. I still don’t know how to act around him, but he’s cut back on the flirting and that helps (although he’s still very silly….and keeps us laughing). Sophie and I sat on the dock while the two of them acted like guys and showed off, doing flips off the dock and wrestling around and stuff.

When I got home, I had a strong urge to write Gray again, but I resisted. I’m NOT going to chase after him, I’m just not. I’ll just wait and see, but that is sooooooooo hard.

7/18

Hung out at the lake again today. No, it wasn’t to be around Cooper! I just didn’t have anything better to do (who am I kidding….it’s really difficult to stay away from a guy who is super-hot and keeps flirting with me….maybe I should get a new hobby). Heather and Tessa were there, so we sat in the shade together and just snacked and read books and talked about nothing in particular. I have been feeling like Tessa is becoming a real friend. That’s cool.

When Cooper had a break from the snack bar, he came over and flopped himself down next to us, and asked what we were up to. He was being all cute and flirty with all three of us, which I kind of liked because he wasn’t singling me out. That would have been way embarrassing, and I don’t want people associating us, like a couple or anything (do I?). Anyway, once I stretched out and put my arms behind my head and my elbow briefly touched Heather’s knee, and Wham-o! She flashed some interesting thoughts ……he is soooo cute…..why is he over here……his hair is adorable….and those brown eyes…..I could just lose myself in them…..get a grip, Heather……he doesn’t even know your name…. Oh man! Heather Jackson is crushing on Cooper Calloway!

This set off a chain reaction of thoughts in me…..Heather likes Cooper…..does he think she’s cute……am I jealous (yes, a little)…….should I try to get them together……I don’t know if I want to do that…..do I want him for myself (possibly)…..oh man.

Luckily for my straying thoughts, Cooper couldn’t stay long (since it was a busy Saturday), and Heather is really good at hiding her feelings. Other than her cheeks being a little pinker than normal, I wouldn’t have known how she feels if I hadn’t had first-hand knowledge. She’s probably had a lot of practice not showing her emotions around her nutcase stepdad. Tessa was very quiet during the whole “incident”, which makes me believe she knows how Heather feels too. I mean, she IS Heather’s BFF, so I’m sure Heather told her.

I thought back to when she might have seen him first, and I decided it must have been that Saturday we all played volleyball together (right after I met him too). I tried to picture the game, and I’m sure she was on my team, so she would have seen him being all cute and fun that day. He definitely becomes the center of attention wherever he is (he doesn’t seem to do it on purpose, that’s just his personality I think)! Yep, that had to be the start of it. I wonder if she saw him sitting with me at the fireworks on the 4th. Since her thoughts didn’t include me, at least not that short part I heard, I doubt that she’s seen us together. And Sophie didn’t mention him at the party last week either (other than when we were listing hot guys we know…and Jon and Gray were on that list too!!). Oh, well, no need to fret about it, Carly! If he starts to like Heather, that’s just one less complication I have to worry about, right? So how come I don’t really like the sound of that?

7/9

Just another work day. Nothing special, hot and sweaty. Tomorrow is payday though, so that’s something to look forward to. Sophie asked if I want to sleep over tomorrow night, and I said sure, why not. Absolutely nothing else going on in my life (I didn’t actually say that last part).

7/10

Work, work, work, slave and sweat. Got a paycheck and Mom took me to deposit it. My savings account is looking pretty nice! And now I have a couple of hundred dollars to spend on clothes, PLUS the sales are starting. Sophie and I will have to try the mall again next week! Anyway, I’m headed over to Sophie’s….I’ll write about it tomorrow.

7/11

I was totally and completely shocked when I got to Sophie’s and she had invited Sammie, Kelly, Heather, Tessa, Jennifer, and Megan to the sleepover too. And what was the theme of this little party? Why, Carly’s First Period of course. I could have killed Sophie right on the spot, if there hadn’t been so many witnesses. Okay, I’ll admit (again) Sophie gives a great party, and it was super fun….I just hate being the center of attention! Once I got over the initial shock (and realized this was what she was thinking about at the lake that she wouldn’t share!), I had a great time.

She made a big banner that said, “Carly is a woman now!” Almost all the food was red, like read velvet cake with red frosting, red jell-o jigglers, red licorice, spaghetti with lots of red sauce, red punch. And big bowls of chocolate. Lots of chocolate. We practically made ourselves sick on chocolate. We played “tampon basketball”  (Jennifer won that since she plays basketball!), “pin the chocolate on the woman’s mouth (so silly, and Tessa won that one) and we had this game where we passed around a pad and had to come up with creative ways to use it….someone said to make a bow out of it, someone else said use it as a sponge to wipe up big spills, or use it as sleep mask to block out the light, and I said polish my flute with it (can you believe that Sophie actually googled “period party” and found these ideas on the internet?? you can find anything on the net). By the end of that game we were all rolling around on the floor!

The girls took turns telling their most embarrassing moment (so far) starting their periods, and I found out that Megan and Kelly haven’t even started yet (so I wasn’t the most embarrassed person there…..not even). I did tell about thinking I was sick and the look on Dad’s face when we both realized what was going on. They got a big laugh out of it (I may have made it sound a little more dramatic than it really was… hey, I can get into the spirit of the thing).

The last thing we did was watch “Juno” (while we painted our nails bright red), so we wouldn’t forget what CAN happen once you’ve started. I think we all got the message. Hey, I plan on saving that for marriage…..I don’t go to church for nothin’ (it’s just not something I talk about with anybody else)!

Then most of us stayed up till about 2 whispering and laughing (Sophie’s mom only had to come in once to remind us that Sophie has 3 little sisters trying to sleep). The first one to fall asleep was Heather, who got bright red lipstick all over her mouth…and then some….and little red bows tied all over her head. We took pictures of course, and Sophie put one on FB (it wasn’t that bad though, we’re not that mean….and hey, we were warned!).

And the only thoughts I accidentally picked up on during the whole party were such happy ones, that made the party even better. Anyway, it was great, and Sophie’s the best friend a girl can have!

7/6

Back to the old grind. Nothing much happened at church yesterday. Nothing much happened to talk about today. Worked hard, hot day. Came home, showered, played flute, ate dinner, read book, about to go to sleep. Didn’t think about Gray or Cooper much, just off and on all day. I know, I know, I still have to write something to Gray. I’ll think about that tomorrow……tomorrow IS another day (okay, Scarlet).

7/7

Saw Headcase today. Not that I would tell her, but I’m glad she’s back. I don’t exactly look forward to our sessions, but I do usually feel better after we’ve talked. Today I told her about Sophie talking to me on purpose in my head, and we discussed the possible uses for that ability, good and bad….like, Sophie could tell me something important when we have to be quiet in church, during a movie, at the library….or in a hold-up at the bank! Then there’s the other side (and I can think of more uses that way….isn’t that just the way of it?)…..gossiping, mocking people, talking when she should be listening (she does enough of that anyway), cheating on a test. Just another thing I have to be careful about. But it’s too bad it only works one way. We could have whole conversations without opening our mouths! Of course, if we went around touching each other all the time, kids at school would totally think we’re gay or something! Maaaaaaybe it’s better the way it is……

7/8

Okay, Gray should be back about now. I seriously have to decide what to write him. I want to explain my side of this “thing” with Cooper, but I don’t want to be too mushy or groveling. Ugh! Maybe I’m having trouble deciding what to say because I’m not sure how I feel? Is that it? Is it possible that I’m starting to like Cooper? That just seems wrong. I like Gray…..I’m sure that’s still true. But Cooper is awfully cute. Does that mean I like him or I just think he’s cute? I wish……oh, I don’t even know what I wish! Well, I’ve put it off long enough. Here goes nothin’….

Gray,

There’s been a huge misunderstanding here. Jon told you Cooper asked about me. So what? So he asked about me. That doesn’t really mean anything, especially if I wasn’t asking about him too…and I wasn’t. I barely know him, and I know Jon told him about “you and me”. In fact, I’ve been around Cooper mostly because he’s Jon’s friend and he’s been hanging out with Jon this summer. I like you, and that hasn’t changed.

I hope the cattle drive went okay, and everybody’s safe. Please write back.

Carly

I rewrote that about 5 times, and I know it’s short, but I didn’t know what else to say! Now I just have to wait and see how/if he responds.

7/5

Well. I’ve made it through two days of my first period, and I have to say I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Other than those cramps….ick…..there hasn’t been much to it. Mom says not to put much stock in the first several months, because they’re usually kind of erratic and just not normal…that I might even skip sometimes at first. Everybody’s different. Anyway….

The picnic yesterday wasn’t too eventful for me. I basically sat around all day and watched everyone else swim and play sports and play games. I was too nervous about the whole thing and didn’t want to risk those cramps coming back, plus the pad felt really weird. Anyway, enough about the details of my “budding womanhood”. It felt like people were whispering and chuckling about me all day (paranoid much?). I know that’s not true, but still….Sophie teased me about it, but not as much as I thought she would. She was plotting something I could tell, but she wouldn’t talk about it, and she also kept her distance, I guess so I wouldn’t touch her. Weird girl. Matt and Dad were all spastic around me too, and I’m not imagining that! They were super nice, and kept asking if they could bring me stuff. For a while I let them be all fetchy-carry, but that got old quick, so I kind of just snapped at them and told them to leave me alone…..they seemed grateful to do that. Mom was the only one who acted like nothing out of the ordinary was happening and that kind of irritated me too. Okay, so there was just no pleasing me, I admit it. I just wanted to be alone at home….but I got through it okay.

I completely avoided the snack bar, but Sophie told me that Cooper was working and super busy, but told her to tell me “hi”. I just kind of grunted about it. I very much did NOT want to talk to, or about him…..or Jon or Gray, for that matter. Sophie kept me company part of the day, when she wasn’t off keeping an eye on her little sisters for her mom. Jon showed up about six, and the two of them went off to rent a swan-boat together (good). I noticed he wouldn’t look me straight in the face……so my evil stink-eye had no effect on him, otherwise he would have melted on the spot!

Heather was there with her mother (who still had a few pretty ugly bruises on her face, but seemed pretty good otherwise), and she sat and chatted with me for a while. The two of us took a slow stroll around the lake, but I could tell she didn’t want to talk about her family, and I certainly didn’t want to share, so we mostly talked about high school and what we were planning to take next year. I asked her if there was any guy she likes, and she ducked her head and said that there was one, but she didn’t think he even knows she exists. That was all I could get out of her on that subject…..I’ll have to try again!

When it was almost time for the fireworks, I was feeling quite a bit less grouchy and actually looking forward to them. I was sitting by myself on a camp stool near the edge of the lake, when Cooper slipped up and plopped down on the ground next to me. He could tell that I was really surprised to see him, especially since it had gotten really crowded all over the park and I wasn’t sitting with any of our group.

Cooper: Hey!
Me: (eyebrows still raised almost to my hairline) Hey yourself. Aren’t you supposed to be at the snack bar? (I know, I’m not very nice, am I?)
Cooper: (smiling in a very nice way) It closes in just a few minutes, so Dad let me leave to find a good spot to watch the fireworks. This seems like a really nice spot.
Me: (trying not to feel anything about that) There’s some better ones over there (I point to where Sophie and Jon and her family were sitting, about 50 feet from me, then turn my face back toward the water).
Cooper: Oh, I like it right here. Seems a little chilly though.
Me: (keeping my eyes on the water rippling in the twilight) Put on a sweatshirt.
Cooper: That’s not what I meant.
Me: I know.
Cooper: (sounding serious for the first time since I’ve met him) Say, why don’t you like me? Have I done something to make you mad?
Me: (finally looking at him again….he’s actually not smiling) Who said I don’t like you? I barely know you.
Cooper: I’ve seen you with Sophie and Jon, laughing and joking, but you haven’t smiled at me once since that first day we met at the snack bar.
Me: (blushing, as usual, and glad for the growing darkness) Of course I’ve smiled at you. And why would you even care anyway?
Cooper: No, you haven’t, I would remember. Because you have a really cute smile, and your eyes twinkle when you laugh.
Me: (completely speechless for a few seconds….then I sigh) Um….thanks. Look, I’m not mad at you okay? I just don’t know you (I don’t have the guts to tell him about the mess with Jon and Gray and it’s none of his business anyway). It takes a while for me to get comfortable with new people (actually, that IS perfectly true). I’m sorry if it seemed like I was angry with you. I’m not. I just don’t know what to say to you.
Cooper: (suddenly grinning again) Well, I can wait for you to get comfortable with me. I’m a persistent guy! Friends? (he sticks out his hand to shake)
Me: (no way am I ready for THAT, so I ignore the hand…..but I smile anyway at his cuteness) Maybe.

So we sat and watched the fireworks together, and it was pretty nice. Not comfortable, but nice. Of course, after that I was embarrassed every time I smiled, but it was dark so I handled it. Afterward, he insisted on walking with me back to my group, since it was really a mob flowing back toward the entrance to the park. I introduced him to my Mom and Dad, and Matt (who smirked, but controlled his tongue), and then we went home. Yeah, the day turned out not too bad after all.

July 4

Well, this is one Fourth of July I will never forget in a million years. I’ll just come out with it…I got my first period today. What timing, right? Talk about fireworks! Oh yeah, it was everything I’d been told about….yippee.

I woke up early this morning (well 8, that’s early on a holiday) in severe pain. It felt like somebody had kicked me in the gut! At first, I didn’t know what that pain was so I thought there was something terribly wrong with me! “Oh no, I’m dying”. I got up and went into the bathroom, and there was a little blood on my underwear. Not expecting it, I didn’t automatically think period, my first thought was “I’m bleeding!” Stupid, right? I mean, I’ve had the “girls only” class at school (in fifth grade), I’ve had talks with Mom more than once (especially since I’ve been waiting so long for it), and still I didn’t get a clue right away. DUMB!

I went to my parents’ room and peeked in, but both of them were already up, probably because they had stuff to do to get ready for the picnic. I heard the shower running in their bathroom, so I went to the kitchen hoping someone was there. Dad was scrambling some eggs and making toast. He looked up and smiled when he saw it was me.

Dad: Hey, sweetie. You’re up early.
Me: (my arms wrapped around my middle….my guts feel like they’re going to just fall out) Dad, I think there’s something wrong with me.
Dad: (frowning) What do you mean, “something wrong with you?” Are you sick?
Me: (starting to get teary….ugh) I’m really hurting and I’m bleeding too. I think I need to go to the hospital.
Dad: (frown gets deeper) Where does it hurt? Where are you bleeding?
Me: (I put my hands over my lower stomach) It hurts really bad right here.

Dad put down his spatula, and started toward me. Suddenly, I put two and two together. I felt so STUPID, and I started blushing bright red (I could feel my face get really hot). Then I started stuttering and backing away.

Me: (putting my hands out, as in “stop”) Oh…..Oh, maaaaaaaaan. Never mind, Dad. It’s okay. I figured out what’s wrong. It…uh…it’s nothing. Go back to your cooking, don’t let your eggs burn. I gotta go.
Dad: What the……?

I had already turned and started to flee the kitchen, but not before I saw the dawning look of comprehension start to replace the frown on his face. He yelled something about Mom after me, but I couldn’t hear him, I could only hear the pounding blood of embarrassment in my ears. I headed back upstairs to Mom and Dad’s room, hoping Mom was out of the shower. She was. Thank you, Lord.

I told her about starting, and she didn’t try to hug me or say anything gushy, which I was really grateful for, she just asked me a couple of questions, then went back in her bathroom and brought out some stuff. She handed me a couple of Tylenol and a glass of water and told me to go get back in bed (after I changed my underwear and put on a pad). Then she brought in a heating pad and plugged it in and put it over my “guts area”, and told me to just relax and the heat would help until the Tylenol kicked in. She stroked my hair back from my forehead, with a sympathetic look on her face…..poor baby…..what a day to start your period……I hope her cramps aren’t as bad as mine used to be when I was a teenager…..well, at least she’s started and we don’t have to worry if she’s normal in that area…..Then she started singing the alphabet song in her head, smiled and said she’d bring me some toast and juice. Thanks, Mom.

The heat really did help a lot, and in not too long the pain was almost gone. I laid there and ate my toast and drank the juice and read my book and dozed back off after a while, and when I woke up again it was noon! Mom came in to see how I was feeling.

Mom: How’s it going?
Me: (stretching) Better.
Mom: (holding out her hand and dropping two pills into mine) Here’s a couple more Tylenol. Take them when you get dressed.
Me: (slight frown) I don’t think I want to go today. I just want to stay here.
Mom: (small smile) I know how you feel, really I do. But I want you to go with us. You’re not sick, you just got your period. It will be fine.
Me: Everybody will know.
Mom: They’ll only know if you tell them. Believe me, other than you and me and maybe Sophie, nobody at the lake is going to know or care that you’re on your period. (I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything she held up a hand). Don’t start. I know it feels really weird and you want to just hide here in your room, but in a few months all this will feel completely normal and you might as well deal with it now and start getting used to it. Look, tomorrow you’ll have to go to work and do your job, even on your period. Today is a very relaxing day. You don’t have to do anything, you can just go and sit in a lawn chair or on a towel, munch on junk food all afternoon and hang out with your friends. No big deal. You can take a few extra pads in your backpack, and I’ll have Tylenol with me. It’s the best summer holiday, and I don’t want you to miss the fireworks. That’s your favorite part!
Me: (frowning and feeling muley) I could see them from here.
Mom: (smiling again) Yes, but they’re not near as pretty from here. Give it up, kiddo. You’re going. So take a shower, and get dressed. You’ll feel a lot better. Wear some of your looser shorts, preferably in a dark color to be safe and don’t wear white. That’s it, nothing to it. You won’t feel like swimming, so don’t bother with a swimsuit.
Me: (sighing a heavy, put-upon sigh) Fine. But I know I’m going to have an awful time, and be all embarrassed and it will be all your fault.
Mom: (turning to go) I’ll risk it.

Yes, of course I went, I had to, although I did argue and complain some more before we left. Stuff happened at the lake, but I’ll write about that tomorrow. I’m really sleepy. Hey, now that I’ve started, maybe I’ll get some chest-action going!

6/29

Totally miserable today, kept my hat pulled low so none of the crew would see me crying while I mowed. I can’t believe that email. Why would he just give up like that? He didn’t even talk to me, just Jon. What did Jon say/write to him? He’s not going to be around for 10 days, so why even bother writing to explain? By the time he gets back from that cattle drive he’ll be so over me, he won’t even care what I have to say. What a mess.

I talked to Sophie, who said that she and Jon haven’t exactly made up yet, but that she’d try to get info out of him tonight somehow. Another sleepless night for me, I’ll bet.

6/30

Totally miserable still. At dinner tonight I was just picking at my food, so afterward Matt stopped by my room to see if I wanted to talk. I showed him the email, and he said not to worry about it, and that I should write Gray to tell my side of what was going on. He said that if it was him, he’d probably react the same way….no matter how Gray feels about whatever Jon told him, he knows there’s nothing he can do about it way up there in Montana, so he is just trying to like, shut it off and not deal with it. Matt says that’s what guys do sometimes. Matt thinks I can convince Gray that there’s nothing going on with Cooper…..if I really want to. OF COURSE I WANT TO! He made me feel a tiny bit less miserable.

No Headcase….still in Fiji. No call from Sophie.

7/1

Woke up feeling….weird….today. Grouchy/grumpy/touchy. Just-don’t-talk-to-me morning. If-you-look-at-me-wrong-I’m-gonna-be-ALL-in-your-face morning. And fat. I feel fat. I told you, weird….I never feel fat. I’m a skinny little under-a-hundred girl. But my jeans feel uncomfortably tight today.

Maybe it’s a good thing Gray ISN’T around today. I’m over being sad, now I’m just kinda MAD (mostly at Jon…..and a little with Sophie too). I still haven’t heard from Sophie, so I left a message with her mom to please call me.

Worked hard today….96 with a slight breeze (always helps). Read my book, practiced the flute, didn’t have much appetite at dinner. Didn’t talk to my family. Just leave me alone, okay?

7/2

Still feeling really grouchy and fat. I totally snapped at Mom when she tried to get me to eat breakfast this morning. She got quiet like she does when her feelings are hurt, and I knew I should apologize but I just couldn’t make my mouth open to do it. Ugh, I’m so mean. I wish I could talk to Jon…maybe I should just call him and cut out the middle man (Sophie). I want to write Gray, but I want to have my facts straight before I tear into reason with him.

Work, work, work. It doesn’t stop me thinking about my mess, but at least it gives me something to do. I would go absolutely insane if I was home moping all day. Thanks, Dad.

Zoned out in front of the TV tonight, watching a cable movie. It was some sappy drama about two babies switched at birth…..but it made me cry at the end. Weird…I almost never do that.

7/3

Just call me Grumpy Tight-Pants. And I’m sooooo tired. It’s been a long week. I’m glad the weekend is here, and I kind of wish I could just hole up in my room all weekend and talk to NOBODY, but tomorrow IS the Fourth of July, which I just happen to love. I’m sure I’ll feel happier and more….um…..robust then. A whole bunch of people from church are getting together for a picnic at the lake (including Sophie’s family and probably Jon), then the fireworks show and a live band. AWESOME. It will be super crowded, but worth it. The biggest part of the crowds won’t show up till almost dark, but some of our “church families” will get there right when the park gates open, so we’ll be sure to get a spot with picnic tables. They don’t take reservations on holidays, so first-come-first-takesies.

Finally heard from Sophie today (’bout time!). I guess she and Jon patched up their fight. She apologized for getting him mad, and told him that even though she can like anyone she wants, she doesn’t want to choose anyone else, and he said he was stupid for flying off like that. Jon told her that he did mention Cooper in his last email to Gray, that we had hung out with him and Cooper had asked about me, but Jon didn’t say anything about me liking Cooper back or anything. He did admit he warned Gray that Cooper might try to “move in” on me. Great. Jon and his big mouth. He told Sophie to tell me that he was just trying to be a good friend to Gray. Okay, loyal…..but still an idiot. What to write? I don’t know. Man, boys are more trouble than they’re worth…..well, maybe not all the time. Gray won’t see my email for almost another week, so I think I’ll just keep thinking about it…..and not do it. I hear a batch of soon-to-be-made brownies calling my name…….

6/28

Well, things seem to be getting blown out of proportion…but wait, let me tell other stuff first.

Night out with Matt went fine. We went to see “Star Trek”….it was fantastic! At first, I told Matt I wanted to go see “Hannah Montana: the Movie” just to fool with him. He didn’t bite though…he knows I don’t like Hannah Montana ever since Miley Cyrus got so stuck up. Anyway, it was so easy to hang out with him. I still can hardly believe that he’s so much like the old Matt (I keep waiting for him to turn back to “Paranoid Matt”, but so far he seems almost completely normal! I even talked to him about this little problem with Gray and Mr. Hottie (sometimes it’s easier to talk about guys TO a guy than your BFF even). He told me I should just do what I really want to do, and what I think is right. If I want to just like one guy at a time then that’s great, if I want to like more than one and not make any type of “commitment” then do that. He did agree with Sophie that I’m not married and I’m too young to get serious with ANYbody. He said I really should try to just keep it light and NOT serious, just enjoy hanging out with all my friends. We talked some more, and I said I’d keep thinking about it.

Today was okay, but after church I didn’t really feel like going anywhere or doing anything, so I just read “Catching Fire” all afternoon and finished it. I’m, like, tenth on the list for “Mocking Jay” (third and last book in the series) at the library, so maybe I’ll just get it at the used book store (I can totally do that with my own money!).

The Fam and I played Catan tonight, and the first game we all ganged up on Dad (poor Dad…hehe), and he only finished with 4 points (Mom won). The second game, it was a hard-fought battle where all of us ended with at least 6 points and the “longest road” and “biggest army” cards switched hands several times (those are my favorite games, where it’s so close). Matt won, but it was a real squeaker!

So I was in a good mood until I came back to my room and got this:

Carly,

It’s been pretty hectic around here, since we’re getting ready for the big drive to get several hundred head of cattle to auction. And I’ll be gone about 10 days, so you won’t hear from me next weekend. But maybe that’s okay with you.

I heard about you and Calloway. I’m not sure what to think. But I want you to be happy and have a great summer, and I know I’m way up here in the middle of nowhere riding the range, while you’re there with all your friends around you and everything. I mean, we never said we were “steady” or anything. Soooo, I guess I’m saying don’t worry about me, and I’ll see you when I get back.

Gray

Oh GREAT…….what did Jon say to him?????

Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine,
the jetsam sunk I’m left behind