6/20

Good time at the lake today (mostly), but I didn’t know Sophie was going to invite practically our whole class (slight exaggeration…barely). There were at least 50 “new freshmen” at the barbeque. Sophie called it our “Almost to High School” party. Tons of food (all of it junk….except the huge watermelon somebody brought). Kids swarming all over the place, playing Frisbee, basketball, volleyball, swimming. Several parents, including Sophie’s, showed up to make sure nobody went up in flames doing the hotdogs, but they stayed as much in the background as a parent can. She even planned some very silly games with even sillier prizes that had everybody rolling in the grass. Sophie is a natural at party planning (another thing she does well……why does this girl hang out with a loser like me again?)

I did my best to stay near the outside of the action (all the time wishing I had on more than shorts and a tank over my swimsuit), which is really hard to do when your best friend keeps dragging you into it. Most of the touches were just arm-brushes, so I only got a few unwelcome thoughts. I do TRY not to flinch away from people, really I do, but…….well, you know that statistic that always goes around about guys thinking about sex every 10 seconds? So true……. SOOOOOO true, especially when they’re around some “stacked” girls in bikinis all afternoon. Most girls really just don’t get it (although a few actually do and like making guys all hot and bothered……stupid). Anyway……..enough of that. We’ll just say that the guys were thinking about the girls most of that party…..and of course, the girls were thinking about the guys, but not in the same way at all!

I’ll say here that I had made up my mind to avoid the snack bar no matter what, so once when Sophie told me to go get 3 straws for one of her games I walked off and asked Kelly if she would do it (she’s feeling better, but still looking a little pale)…..she looked at me kind of funny (like, why can’t you do that yourself?), then shrugged and said okay. I know, I know, what a coward, right? WhatEVER.

Some of my other friends were there that I hadn’t talked to in a while, like Jon. Apparently he and Sophie have been talking on the phone A LOT, and they’ve hung out together a couple of times at her house and his. Funny, she didn’t mention much about him last Monday when we spent practically the WHOLE DAY together…..I wonder what that means? I thought, “She and I are going to have a little chat about this”. Today I saw them hold hands a few times, and wherever she was, he was somewhere close by. It was pretty cute! Okay, I was a little jealous that she gets to have a boyfriend at least for the summer, and mine is far far away. But mostly it was fun to watch her liking a guy….doesn’t happen very often. Jon and I chatted about Gray a little, and he’s only heard from Gray once, so that made me feel just a little bit better. Jon said with Gray gone, he’s been hanging out with guys from school and his church, here at the lake and playing basketball (he’s in a summer league).

I talked with Heather, who has spent most of the last week at her mom’s side (she got out of the hospital yesterday). She seemed even more on the outside than me, more alone, ‘cuz Tessa is out of town this weekend, and she wasn’t even going to come today, but her mom insisted…and she got one of the ladies from church to come over and keep her company so Heather wouldn’t worry about her (but of course she still does). Heather told me that Jerry Fowler is out on bail, but there’s a restraining order against him and he’s not supposed to come near Heather or her mom. I asked her if that made her nervous, and she said yeah, but she was trying to not think about him. I told her that I wanted to be there for her, and she could call me up any time she just wanted to talk. We sat for quite a while at the edge of the lake with our toes in the water, till Sophie discovered us and yelled for us to come play volleyball. I jumped up and grabbed Heather’s hand….I don’t want to play…I just want to be by myself…. why did I come here today….i hope Mom’s okay without me…okay, okay….and she resisted a little, then came with me.

They were just choosing teams when we walked up, with Jon and Sophie as the two captains. And who should be standing next to Jon having been chosen first? Mr. Hottie from the snack bar. Sophie chose me right away (always the loyal friend, poor idiot), which got a lot of hoots from the crowd, since everybody knows I’m just not much of a sports girl…..my size….my general lack of grace and coordination. Oh well, whatevs. I was just glad I wasn’t on the same team with Hottie (I guess his dad let him off the hook for a few hours, so he could hang out with his new schoolmates). Some of the people obviously already knew him, including Jon. No, I’m not curious one bit. I did find out that his first name is Cooper (Jon was yelling “Coooop!” when he made a good play….which was pretty often). I did my best to completely ignore him, mostly so I wouldn’t play even worse than usual (not that I cared at all what he thought of ME, I just didn’t want to let my team down). But once, we were right across the net from each other, and he grinned and winked at me….”Hey, Carly. How’s it going?” I replied with one of my great comebacks, “Fine.” And then he proceeded to spike the ball between my hands (well, at least I had them up and jumped) and said, “Sorry, Carly…you’re just too easy!” Har-har. Yeah, I made a few good digs in the back row, in fact one of them saved us a game! That made up for the awful playing at the net (I’m just so nervous across the net from big tall people!). We ended up losing, but only by a couple of games. I scooted back down toward the water afterward (yes, yes, a big scaredy-cat), and went swimming with Heather and Kelly to cool off.

When the sun started to get lower (at this time of year, that’s not till 8:00), some of us started cleaning up the picnic area we were using, picking up trash and stuff, Sophie kind of cornered me.

Soph: What’s been going on with you today? You were acting more squirrelly than usual.
Me: (feeling a little huffy at that) Well, thanks a lot!
Soph: (rolling her eyes) You know what I mean. I understand your normal standing on the outside looking in, but you were acting more skittish….what’s up?
Me: (trying to redirect her) Oh nothing….hey, what’s up with you and Jon? Why didn’t you tell me that you guys have been talking a lot and hanging out together?
Soph: (blushing just a little) Well, uh, it’s so new. I haven’t told anybody….I’ve just been…uh…you know, getting used to the idea.
Me: (Sophie? Blushing and stuttering? She must actually LIKE him) Well, I’m not just anybody, am I? (smiling to show I’m not mad) What do I have to do, keep a hand on you at all times so you don’t try to withhold info?
Soph: Okay, okay, I’ll share more. You have to admit, this is almost the first time I’ve ever even tried to keep a secret…it’s kind of fun!
Me: I totally get you. That’s the way I felt about Gray too!

Right then, Heather ran up looking terrified. She grabbed my arm…….what’s he doing here…..he was just standing there watching……should I call the police……how am I supposed to get home……help me!

Heather: (out of breath) I was standing at the bus stop with some other kids, but none of our friends, and I happened to look across the street, and there was my stepdad leaning against his car, and he was watching me, like he was just waiting for me to come out of the park, and now I’m afraid to take the bus, and I don’t know how I’ll get home! Should I call the police?
Soph: Slow down, take a breath. Did he say anything to you? How far away was he?
Heather: No, he was too far away to talk to me. He was just watching (shuddering). I guess he was about half a block away.
Me: Well, he didn’t try to approach you, and he didn’t come into the park, so the police probably wouldn’t do anything (don’t I sound smart for an almost-14-year-old? I have no idea what I’m talking about). My mom will be here in about 15 minutes, and I’m sure she’ll take you home. Just stay close to us until then.

Heather looked like she was about to cry, but she nodded and held it together and helped us finish cleaning up after the huge mob of gross teenagers. Mom was happy to drive her home, and even went in with her to talk to her mom about what happened. I think Mrs. Fowler did call the police just to let them know that Mr. Fowler was there, and seemed to be watching Heather. Our drive home was kind of quiet. I have absolutely no idea why he would just wait and watch Heather like that. Creepy.

Fun day……I guess……but WEIRD, definitely weird.

Love, your baby girl

6/19

Ha! Fridays are now divided into Payday Fridays and Non-payday Fridays. Today is a Nonday. I got finished a little early, so I wanted to go to the lake for a while (93), but nobody was around to go with me (Sophie had to work extra hours today, Heather was at the hospital – I think, Sammie is out of town, Kelly has a stomach flu –poor Kelly, but ick), so I decided I was perfectly willing to go alone (that was just how bored I was….funny how things change sooooo fast). I changed into shorts and a tank, stuck my book and a beach towel into my beach bag, asked Mom if I could go to the lake….be home by 5:00…then caught the bus. When I got there, I decided to get an Icee to drink while I read, so I stopped at the snack bar. Working the counter today was a really cute guy I had never seen before, who looked about my age.

Me: Could I get a blue raspberry Icee, please?
Hottie: (nice smile) Sure thing. Can I get you anything else with that? Some chips maybe? You look like a Dorito kind of girl to me.
Me: (stupidly shy smile) Corn-Nuts are more my thing. Actually, that sounds pretty good. I’ll take a package of barbeque.
Hottie: Okay then, one package of barbeque Corn-Nuts coming up. (leans on the counter after handing both to me…I can’t help but notice his spiky blond hair and chocolate brown eyes…and nice tan) I don’t remember seeing you before (I was thinking the same thing), do you go to Mountain View? (that’s the other middle school) Seventh grade?
Me: (blushing to my mousy-brown roots over him thinking I’m a seventh grader…of course, I AM wearing pigtails) No, I just graduated from Markham. I’ll be a freshman at Cedar Ridge in the fall.
Hottie: (my imagination or did his smile get bigger?) No wonder! I went to Mountain View…I’ll be a freshman too, so we’ll be seeing each other! (the two middle schools both funnel to Cedar Ridge High School)
Me: Um, yeah, I guess we will. (not sure if I should keep talking, but there’s nobody waiting at the moment….I don’t want to be rude!) Did you just start working here? I haven’t seen you this summer.
Hottie: I’ve been away at band camp since school was out. (wow…band too) My dad kind of runs the park and the concessions, so he lets me work here part-time to make some spending money. It’s a sweet deal.
Me: Ah, that’s cool. (a few people have wandered up and are looking at the menu board behind Hottie) Well, I better let you get back to work. I guess I’ll see you around here. (I turn to go…okay, I seriously need to walk away)
Hottie: Hey, what’s your name? (he’s got a killer smile….almost as cute as Gray’s…..almost)
Me: (looking back over my shoulder) Carly…….see ya’!

Before he could call me back again, more people walked up to the counter and he had to pay attention to them. My heart was doing this funny little flutter and my stomach too. I strolled to the sand and found a spot out of sight of the snack bar but still in the shade and read for an hour or so, but sometimes watched the little swimmers (or just stared off into space…I’ll have to re-read that whole bit). Is it normal for me to feel so guilty for talking to another guy? I mean, I do have a sorta-boyfriend, and I miss him and wish he was here….but that guy is seriously cute. I think it would be best if I just avoid him for now. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do…..and write Gray!

Cowpoke Gray,

Hey, that last email was….um, shall we say, a mite skimpy? What’s with that? [no I didn't actually write that! But I felt like it]

Hey! How’s it going? You sound super busy! Can you believe it’s already been 3 weeks? The time is going by pretty fast [not for me....slow as Science right after lunch]. I’d love to hear more about what you’re doing on the ranch, when you get a chance [yeah, tell me stuff, you dope].

My “date” with my brother went great. He took me to Old Spaghetti Factory, where we ate pizza then kicked butt in laser tag, and we also went for ice cream. Then we stayed up really late and talked and I think we’re going to be close again. It feels good [then I stayed in my PJ's all day, but I'm not telling YOU that].

The sad news is that on Sunday I found out that Heather Jackson’s stepdad beat up her mother and put her in the hospital. I can’t explain it [you wouldn't believe me if I tried], but I had a bad feeling about him, so I wasn’t that surprised. I called Heather today, but I didn’t get any answer. I hope her mom is doing better (her stepdad is in jail).

No other big news. It stormed on Monday so I had the day off and went over to keep Sophie company while she babysat [not telling you about that incident either], then we went to the mall and shopped a little….I didn’t find much, but I’m sure I will when the summer sales start.

It was cooler for a few days after the storm, which was nice, but it’s getting hot again [absolutely not sharing that I have a therapist....really, how would you fit that into a conversation? “Oh yes, and by the way, I'm seeing a shrink because my parents don't want me to become a psycho over this mind-reading thing.” Yeah....right.]. A bunch of us are going to the lake and barbeque tomorrow…I’m bringing the buns! I went over there by myself today cuz’ there wasn’t anybody to hang out with, and I just lounged and read, but I admit it wasn’t as much fun without a friend…..kinda lonely [except for the Hottie at the snack bar, but I'm planning to avoid him, so it's all good].

Reading this over, I know it’s pretty boring [since I leave the good stuff out], but not much goes on around here. I work, I read, I practice my flute (not enough). Not much to share [not gonna']. Looking forward to hearing something more exciting from you!

Carly

Yeah, I know. Severe editing going on there. Some stuff I can’t tell, some stuff I don’t know how to tell, some stuff there’s just NO WAY. Whatevs.

I know better
‘Cause you said forever and ever
Who knew

6/16

Back to the grind today, and boy was it muggy. But at least the temp. went down…it only got up to 85 today. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. Nothing going on, except I had an appointment with Headcase this afternoon. No big news there, we just talked about when I was little again. I didn’t realize how many memories I’ve just kind of shoved back and tried not to think about. I came away from the appointment feeling kind of good and bad at the same time. Is that normal? I mean I really don’t like pulling up all those memories, but it does feel good to talk about them with Headcase and turn them over and look at them different ways. I’ve never had anybody to do that with, since I’ve tried not to worry my parents with this stuff. They really have no idea… Anyway, I guess they had a good idea sending me to a counselor (just don’t tell them I said that!).

6/17

Had a nightmare last night about school (this is the downside to talking to Headcase….but she said to write down my dreams if I can remember them, so….). I can’t remember all of it, but I was in class and somehow read the teacher’s mind and it had something to do with selling drugs or taking drugs or something. But in the dream she turns it all around so that I just look weird and she starts calling me a freak, then all the kids in the class start chanting, “Freak, freak, freak!” Oh yeah, I’ve had this one before…it always ends with people calling me a freak and being afraid to touch me like I’m a leper or something. Better for me to shy away from touching people than the other way around, don’t you think? Ugh.

6/18

The thermometer is creeping back up…90 today. It’s supposed to be 95 on Saturday. Sophie is working on getting a bunch of kids to the lake for a bbq. That should be fun, I guess. I’m not really in the mood, but I’ll go just because I’m totally bored anyway. But hey, I was able to fit in a whole extra yard today (yeah, it was a small one). So I AM getting faster. Dad said he’ll show me how to use the edger next week (woohoo!). My life is really sad when I get excited about learning to use an edger. Sigh. Wishing I could see Gray.

Now you don’t need money
When you look like that, do ya’ honey

6/15

Today was…..hmmm, different. I woke up this morning to thunder and lightning, not to mention the torrential rain beating on my bedroom window, so guess what? No mowing today, WOOHOO! Free day! PLUS (and it’s a big plus) the weather is going to cool down for a couple of days. I never knew summer rain storms could be so wonderful. Of course, Dad is not too happy about it, because that means his crews get behind and the grass grows faster. But since he watches the local weather like a hawk, he wasn’t surprised and had already thought of some things he wanted to catch up on in the office, so he was okay with it too. Most of his crews still have work they can get done in the rain if they want to, but anyone who wants the day off can have it. He’s a nice boss.

After I got up (at 9…that’s 3 whole extra hours!!!), I called Sophie at her babysitting job to see if she wanted to go to the mall after she’s done (she gets off at 1). She said sure, and why didn’t I go ahead and come over and help her entertain her house-bound charges. So I cleared it with Mom (be home by 5:30) and walked the three blocks to the Solis house (with my bus pass and $50, naturally). Sophie babysits for Mrs. Solis, who works part time at a bank, and has two little girls, Izzy (3) and Mari (10 mo). Since Sophie loves kids, it’s the perfect job for her. She’s even talked about being a nanny after high school so she can travel (no way, if any girl MUST go on to college, it Sophie Jenner).

When I got there, I could hear a baby wailing from the front porch. Sophie must have been watching for me, because she opened the door right after I rang the bell.

Soph: (holding a crying and runny-nosed Mari) I’m glad you’re here. Can you hold Mari for a minute while I help Izzy in the bathroom? (evil grin) Or would you rather go wipe a poopy bottom? I have no idea what’s the matter with Mari today. She’s usually pretty happy and laid-back.
Me: Hand over the crier.

Sophie gave Mari to me, who stopped crying long enough to look me over. I had kept Sophie company several times before, so I’m not a complete stranger, but it was the first time I’ve actually held Mari. Suddenly, she put her pudgy little hands on both sides of my face, holding it, while she looked seriously into my eyes with her liquid brown ones. Ahhhh.

Me: No wonder she’s not happy, she’s cutting at least one tooth. And I’ll bet she has an ear infection too.
Soph: (blue eyes getting very round) You got that from her?
Me: Well, it’s not really words, but pictures in her head. Her mouth hurts and her right ear.
Soph: (smacking her forehead with her palm) I didn’t even think to look in her mouth! Be right back.

Sophie went to take care of Izzy, and I bounced Mari and sang a silly song I remembered about raindrops being candy. When Sophie came back, she tickled Mari till she opened her mouth and sure enough, her gums were swollen on the bottom. Sophie called Mrs. Solis to make sure it was okay to give her some numbing gel, and told her she thought Mari might have an ear infection, so Mrs. Solis said she’d call the doctor. Once Sophie gave her the gel, she was much happier and started playing with her stuffed hippo.

Soph: Wow, that is SO cool. I’ll have to remember that next time I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her! You’re like, the Baby Whisperer. Maybe that’s totally your calling!
Me: Whoa. Hold on there, pardner. (cowboy on the brain) She was holding my face, I could read her loud and clear. That doesn’t mean I could do that with every baby. “Hey, can I hold that crying kid of yours, lady? I can totally tell you why he’s upset!”
Soph: Yeah, but if you became a pediatrician, it would be your job to do just that!
Me: Maybe, but I don’t know if I’m cut out to be around babies all day. (shuddering) I’m not even sure I like little kids. Plus, a doctor? I REALLY don’t know if I want to go that route. That’s a lot of years, not to mention money, just to go to school. And think of all the people I’d have to touch before I got to specialize.
Soph: Still, it’s pretty cool, you gotta’ admit.
Me: (shrugging) I guess.

After that, Mrs. Solis surprised us by coming home an hour early because she got an appointment for Mari for that afternoon. So Sophie was free to go. Yay! We caught the bus on the corner and spent the whole afternoon at the mall. I’ve got to say, it’s harder to spend MY money than it is my parents’ money. I really had trouble letting go of any of it on clothes that weren’t on sale. Sophie found a pair of jeans and a top she liked, but I just kept thinking how much I sweat for that money. I found a cute pair of dangly earrings, and a skirt that was ½ price (I could shop in the little girls department, but NO WAY). One of the salesladies reminded us that there would be huge sales in another week or two when they are getting ready for the fall inventory and that we should keep an eye out for that. Great idea! We mostly just wandered around and got an ice cream, then went home.

Tonight I practiced my flute and read some and now I guess I’ll just go to sleep. I re-read the email from Gray, and I still don’t know what to make of it. Should I do the same as him and not write much or should I just do what I did before and give him (most of) the scoop around here? I’ll have to think about it…I’ve got all week.

Well I’ve never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has

And when I catch my breath it’s you I breathe

Illusion never changed into something real