Wow. 119 days. Not much to show for it, and the holidays put a serious dent in my time. Oh well. I’m getting back on track…I’ve gotten up at 5 am two days in a row and did my morning pages and walked. That’s a good start to getting back to my routine. Next, I will see if I can remember ANY of Romans and will finish up a couple of Christmas projects so I can start on a new painting. I’m working on Carly Boone, I’ll be able to post something tomorrow, I think. And I will review what Hija and I have written on our “chicklit” novel and will get started on that again (did you hear that, Hija? we have some time before you start classes again…let’s get busy!!!). Thanks, loyal readers, for your impassioned comments. I won’t give up…I won’t. I still have 2/3 of my time left! I will pursue those goals!

I’m working at getting caught up on the little niggly things that are hanging around my head. Hopefully I will be posting for real in the next few days, and I will be starting up my other daily stuff and Carly Boone again too. Until then, patience will be appreciated. Well, since I have an average of 2 visitors per day, I guess there’s not many who will care anyway! Thanks, you two, for hanging in there with me.

I am behinder that usual this week…Christmas always brings out the worst of my procrastination, probably because trying to get everything done is so overwhelming for me. Anyway, Carly Boone will have to have the holidays off, because I have too much to do to focus on her drama. If you’ve never read Carly’s journal, now’s the time to catch up! Start here. And to my loyal readers (both of you), Carly and I will be back one week from today, December 28.

Happy Holidays!

Story Time

Well, I fixed the smudges as best I could. Good thing my sister already liked it!

5/26/09

Today was a VERY busy day. I had two reviews today for tests tomorrow (easy-peasy), band was crazy as we had our last concert of the year tonight (with the choir too), rushed to appointment with Headcase (she was happier about me telling Sophie my secret than me!), rushed home and wolfed down some dinner, changed into something nice (eh, who cares), then rushed off to the concert. Mom and Dad were both there (Matt wouldn’t set foot at one of my band things, unless they made him…he had to work, aw rats). I knew (you know why) that Mom was planning to get me to introduce Gray to Dad, so after the concert I said good-bye to him in the band room, and rushed my parents out of there with the excuse of needing to study (which was very true!). Crisis averted…whew!

Now it’s 11:00 and I’m pooped. But I went over my review notes for English and Science, and I feel pretty confident. If I do well on the Science test, I will definitely pull out a Bfor the quarter and semester. That’s all I ask, please God. English is no biggie, since the test only covers “Huckleberry Finn”, and I’ve read that at least three times. I also have a math test tomorrow, which most people are sweating over (I had to help a couple of people at lunch with their practice problems), but that will be a breeeeeeeeeeeze. Now I’m going to bed (yawn). Only 2 1/2 more days of school, then Gray leaves. :(

5/27/09

Tests, tests, tests…my brain is tired. I think I did okay on the Science test, kind of holding my breath. I need at least a B+ to definitely have a B in the class. Aced the math test, and I only had to guess on a couple of questions on the English test. Not bad, overall. Of course, Sophie did fine. She aces everything. The girl has a memory like an elephant. I think she’s gotten straight A’s since third grade when they started giving grades. Gray said he got stuck on just one of the math problems, but he managed to finish the test right when the bell rang. Jon couldn’t care less. I think he gets mostly B’s, but he doesn’t study at all, and barely does the homework. I’m confident he’ll be a janitor some day!

Speaking of Jon, I probably shouldn’t have said anything to him about Sophie. He’s acting even freakier than before! The past couple of days I’ve managed to touch him a couple of times, you know, all casual like, and he has got it bad for that girl. That’s almost all he’s thinking about, but he’s scared to death to say anything to her. He’s so nervous when he’s around her, and since we’ve been hanging out with him and Gray so much, I’ve hardly heard him say two words. Poor guy. I wish there was something I could do to help him. Today he pulled me aside and asked me how I knew that he likes her, and I fudged and said I had just noticed that he gets really quiet when she’s around (which is true), and had put two and two together (with a little help from his brain). I promised him I wouldn’t say anything to her unless he asked me to, and he heaved this big sigh of relief. I’m not sure he’ll ever get up the nerve to even talk to her! I’ll have to come up with a plan…I think they’d make a cute couple and wouldn’t it be fun for best friends to be couples together!

5/24/09

Early Sunday morning. I won’t have time to write in here later…Sophie’s coming over after church to hang out, then I’m going to her house to spend the night tonight. Sammie and Kelly are coming too. What will we do, you ask? Play with each other’s hair, do outrageous make-up makeovers, paint our nails, talk about guys, IM guys, do stupid games with guys’ names, listen to loud music, eat a lot of stuff that’s very bad for us, watch a chick flick, then talk about guys some more. I’ve already warned Sophie not to bring up Gray, but if the other two ask about him I will GUSH, I guarantee it…it would be impossible not to! Monday we’re going to hang out at the mall…I’ll write tomorrow night!

5/25/09

Today was a great day, even if I almost got in trouble with my parents. It actually started with last night, at Sophie’s. As I suspected, Sammie and Kelly totally grilled me about Gray and teased me all night about having a boyfriend. I tried to convince them that I wasn’t sure if he WAS my boyfriend, but they didn’t let me off the hook. When we got online to see who was on, there was a group of guys hanging out at Gray’s house, so we started IMing them, and Sophie borrowed her mom’s AND dad’s cell phones and we were texting and talking on those too. It was crazy but fun. I could tell the guys were ragging on Gray just as much as the girls were with me…it was very embarrassing. I figured he was thinking, “She is soooo not worth this!” I would have liked to know what he WAS thinking, but no, I have to have this picky-choosy “gift”.

Sammie told one of the guys that we were going to the mall today, and suddenly they were making plans for all of us to hang out together. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about that, but I wasn’t about to pass up a chance to hang out with Gray. I couldn’t help but think about the fact that he’ll be leaving in less than a week. Man, the whole summer Gray-less…it stretches before me, hot, sweaty and lonely.

Anyway, Sophie’s mom dropped us off at the mall at noon and the guys met us at the food court. There was Gray and Jon, Matt (trumpet), Chase (drummer), and Evan (on Gray’s baseball team). I have to say here that all five of these guys are basically hotties (Gray is the cutest of course!). Hanging out with them at the mall will definitely make a girl the target of many jealous stares and gossip all over school. We were absolutely loving it.

I have to say here that Gray and I both seem to feel a little awkward about being together around other people. I just don’t know how to act. He stayed near me all the time, but we didn’t hold hands or anything.  Does that mean he’s embarrassed to be seen with me? He’d give me a playful nudge when we were joking around, and once when he was walking kind of behind me, he put his hand on my arm to help me through a crowd of people. My heart still speeds up every time he touches me (or smiles into my eyes). Does he think of me as a girlfriend? Figuring this stuff out is harder than Science! I wish he’d actually SAY something like, “Hey, Carly, I really like you…do you want to be my girlfriend?” That would clear things up very nicely! I wonder if he’s ever had a girlfriend? I’ve never SEEN one before (and I’ve been watching since sixth grade), but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t had one from another town or something.

We all sat in the food court for a while, some of us eating junk, drinking soda. Then we wandered all over the mall, going in Spencer’s and Hot Topic, trying to find the weirdest stuff they had. Sophie asked if she should get her nose pierced, which started a big discussion about the best and grossest parts to get pierced (we all agreed on the most disgusting…). Then we moved on to tattoos! All the guys said they would probably get at least one tattoo, but only Sophie was sure about getting one among us girls. Hey, needles are just not my thing…maybe I could try one of those henna ones that wears off in a couple of weeks.

As we passed Baskin-Robbins, Gray asked if he could get me a cone and I said sure. He didn’t even ask what kind I wanted and I was curious what flavor he would bring back. He got us both a Reese’s, and I thought it was so sweet that he remembered it was my favorite!

As we were eating the ice cream, I was sitting on a bench scrunched between Gray and Jon, and I heard a few random thoughts go through Jon’s mind…her eyes are so blue, and her hair smells great. I looked up at him in surprise, but he was studying his cone intently. I looked around at the other girls wondering if he meant one of them…I mean, he could be obsessed with someone that’s not even with us. The only girl with us with eyes “so blue” is Sophie. Is that who he meant? Her hair does always smell nice, she uses a freezia-scented shampoo. After that, I started watching Jon closer (slyly of course!), and I noticed he was quieter than usual…just like the other morning when the four of us were walking to class! He manuvered his way close to Sophie whenever he could without being obvious, and he watched her when no one was looking. Wow! Jon is totally crushing on Sophie! If she has any clue of it, she hasn’t said anything to me, and I haven’t read it in her thoughts either (of course, I’m not reading her thoughts 24/7 for heaven’s sake…I only touch her occasionally…but like I said, she says pretty much everything in her head…she really doesn’t have many secrets).

The afternoon went by so fast, and we talked and laughed and strolled around the mall, and my mind was so full of Gray and now this new stuff about Jon liking Sophie that I couldn’t wait to get back here and write it down! Mom was picking me up at 4:00, and most of the others were going home on the bus at 5:00, so Gray said he’d walk with me out the front doors to wait for her. Right before we left, I walked over to Jon and looked up at him. When he looked down at me I just said softly, “You should tell her, you know,” and walked off before he could say anything. I grinned back at him over my shoulder, and he was just staring at me with his mouth open a little.

Gray: What was that all about? (raising an eyebrow)
Me: Oh, I think you know.
Gray: Know what? (grinning)
Me: Barky’s got a cru-ush. (grinning back)
Gray: Wow, how did you figure it out? He tries so hard to hide it.
Me: Oh, I just got a hunch and started watching him. He gets pretty quiet when he’s around her. That’s different!
Gray: Yeah, I told him to just relax, but he gets all tied up when he’s near her. I know how he feels.
Me: Oh, you get all tied up around Sophie too? (yeah, I’m fishing)
Gray: (stopping me with a hand, looking into my eyes) No. I get totally tied up when I’m with you.
Me: Oh. (Okay, now I can’t breathe)

We started walking again. Gray reached out and took my hand and held it all the way out the door. Mom was already waiting in the pick-up circle, and by the look on her face, I could tell she wasn’t expecting to see me come waltzing out of the mall holding hands with a guy. I started to let go of Gray’s hand, but he didn’t let go of mine. He walked me all the way to the car and opened the door for me (I’m melting here).

Mom: Carly, who’s your friend? (looking just a little put out)
Me: This is Gray. Gray, this is my Mom. (I suddenly have a dry mouth)
Gray: Hi, Mrs. Boone. Nice to meet you. (he reaches through the door and shakes her hand; his mom would be proud of this boy’s manners)
Mom: Um, nice to meet you too. (a little surprised by the good manners)
Gray: I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Carly. Bye.
Me: Okay. Bye. (we pull away from the curb as Gray turns and walks back toward the mall)
Mom: Soooooo…who was that? (still looking irritated and suspicious, but also curious)
Me: Gray Weber. He’s in band with me.
Mom: And? (she glances in my direction, expecting more information)
Me: He’s just a guy I like, okay? We were at the mall, he and some other guys were at the mall…(I kind of peter out…it sounds a little lame, even to me)
Mom: So you have a boyfriend, and you just forget to tell us about him, AND you forgot to mention that you were meeting him at the mall today. Was Sophie even there? It wasn’t just the two of you was it? You know you’re not allowed to date yet, Carly. You remember the dating rules.
Me: Yes, Mom. Mixed parties at 14, double-dating at 15, single-dating at 16. I’ve got it. It wasn’t like that. For one thing, I don’t even know if Gray is my boyfriend. Second, I didn’t plan to meet him. Sophie, Kelly, Sammie and I were talking to a group of guys last night and Sammie and Kelly set it up to meet all of them at the mall today. So there was a group of us and we just hung out, that’s all. You can check with Sophie, if you don’t believe me.
Mom: It’s not that I don’t believe you, Carly. As far as I know, you’ve never lied to me and I’m not expecting you to. I trust you. But it did take me totally off-guard to see you come strolling out of the mall holding hands with a boy, and no other girls in sight!
Me: He offered to walk me out, and the others were staying for another hour. That was the only time we were even alone all day, and it was a crowded mall.
Mom: I just don’t like the feeling that you’re keeping things from me, sweetie. I didn’t even know you liked any boys.
Me: Well, I have to have a few secrets, don’t I? I’m a teenager! I’ve liked lots of guys, Mom. I just don’t broadcast it. This is the first one that’s acted like he likes me back. (well maybe not LOTS of guys but a few, and I’m not about to tell her how long I’ve had a major crush on just Gray…it would probably freak her out)
Mom: Wait a minute. You said you don’t know if you’re his girlfriend. What’s that mean? You were holding hands with him. (she glances my way again with an eyebrow raised) Can’t you tell what he’s thinking?
Me: Not a single tiny little thought. He’s a total blank to me just like Matt, darn it. He acts like he likes me, and he does hold hands with me, but he hasn’t said anything about being his girlfriend. It’s so frustrating.
Mom: (chuckling) Welcome to the world of the rest of us girls! It’s probably better this way. You can’t understand the way guys think anyway, so it might as well be a total blank! Besides, the mystery makes it more fun.
Me: I’m not so sure about that, but I can’t do anything about it anyway.
Mom: Well, from now on, when the plans change I expect to hear about it, got it? Especially if those plans change to include boys.
Me: I hear you. And could we please not mention this to Dad? I’ll never hear the end of it.
Mom: He’ll have to know about it sooner or later, if you’re going to have boyfriends.
Me: Yeah, but he doesn’t have to hear about this one today, does he? Pleeeeeeeease?
Mom: Okay, I’ll keep it to myself for now. But you owe me one.
Me: Fine. Anything!

Mom wanted to hear more about Gray, so I told her that he plays drums in the band, which made her nervous, I could tell. Drummers always have a rep for being the bad boys, but I assured her that Gray is not like that. She asked if I wanted to invite him over for dinner one night, and I said not yet. I’m not ready for him to meet Dad yet…ewwww. I want the guy to keep liking me okay, not get scared off!

Let me be succinct.
Nothing happening.
No progress made.

The past couple of weeks have been, I’ll just say it, horrendous and depressing, and I’ve not had incentive to do a blasted thing, but I did accomplish a few things, including most of a painting for my sister for Christmas. I picked it up this morning to finish it, and what do I find…a big smear across it (like a wet-furred dog rubbed against it). I am such an IDJITT! I left it standing up leaning against the foot of my bed, right in the path of the dogs. I am heartsick and feel just a little nauseated. Anyone who does watercolor knows that there are some mistakes that just cannot be fixed. I was able to fix most of it, but one little spot I don’t think I can do anything about. I’m going to shoot myself…

5/22/09

What a long week…yay for Friday! In honor of the holiday weekend, I’m not going to write anything! You got it, nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. See ya’………………………………………………………………….wouldn’t wanna be ya’!

5/23/09

Okay, I’ll write a little tiny word (or two). But just a little teeny tiny bit. At breakfast yesterday, Mom told me that she and Dad talked about it and they’re really glad I told Sophie my secret. They know she’s a good friend who will never betray my trust, and they’re happy I have someone else to talk to about things. They just cautioned me to come to THEM with the important stuff and not wait…yeah, yeah. When I hugged Mom, I knew that she really IS glad I told Sophie, but she’s worried about me (so what else is new!) with the whole Jerry Fowler thing.

Last night Sophie spent the night at my house and we talked till about 3am. She insisted on a blow-by-blow of my time with Gray. She said she’s a little jealous that a really cute guy likes me and she’s got nobody. I reminded her of at least three guys at school who like her, but she thinks they’re all lame (by the way, we talked on line for at least two hours with a bunch of band friends, including Gray and Jon…they had us ROFL). She had all kinds of questions about my “power” as she likes to call it. We talked about Headcase…Sophie wants to meet her of course. I told her all about what’s been going on with Heather Jackson’s mom and stepdad and the thoughts that came from Tessa Prince. She was totally blown away by the weirdness of it all, and we tried to decide if there’s some way we can find out more information. We think that Heather’s stepdad has been mean to her, maybe even abusive, and Heather’s dad has taken her away somewhere. Maybe I could touch Tessa again to see if she’s heard from Heather. Time’s running out, though. School is out on Friday, and after that I won’t have any excuse to get near Tessa (or Heather’s parents, really, even at church…besides, my Dad told me to stay away from Jerry Fowler).

Because it’s Memorial Day Weekend, Dad didn’t make me do any lawns today….YAY BABY! But tonight, my parents are insisting on a “family game night”….oh joy. A Saturday night and I have to spend it with my parents and ole’ Paranoid, since it’s his only night off in a while and we haven’t done anything as a family in at least a month.  I guess it won’t be too bad, they’re ordering pizza and Mom bought stuff to make ice cream sundaes. And we’re going to have a cutthroat game of Settlers of Catan….last time Matt slaughtered all of us, tonight he’s GOIN” DOWN………HARD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MERCY!!!!!!!

5/21/09 (cont.)

I’m really tired, so I’ll make this short if I can. I had a long talk with Mom and Dad about touching Heather’s mom and stepdad, and how weird it all was, and the dark and angry thoughts in Mr. Fowler’s head. I can’t believe that was only 4 days ago…after the wild (and very distracting) week I’ve had, it seems like FOREVER. They both were NOT happy about the fact that I took it upon myself to read the Fowlers’ thoughts OR the fact that I didn’t tell them about it right away. In fact, they were put out with me all the way around (I think I almost got grounded, but since it’s the first time I’ve ever done that, they just warned me not to go around doing stuff like that).

They had me tell them about the incident with the Fowlers several times, asking questions and having me tell them about what they said, how they said it, and their facial expressions as well as I could remember. I didn’t want to tell them about how preoccupied I’ve been with Gray, so I did my best to remember accurately. They said again that I really should have told them immediately, that I would have remembered better the little things, but that I did pretty good. Well, I’ve thought about it enough over the last few days…I’ve even dreamed about Mr. Fowler once (he was chasing me and yelling…when I get my hands on you, kid, I will GIVE you trouble!)…I woke up with a gasp, sweating. I promised that next time something like this happens, I’ll be prompt in relating it…Mom said she hoped there wouldn’t be a next time, and don’t go looking for trouble. I’m not planning on it.

We talked about what should be done with this information, and Mom and Dad were very concerned about Mrs. Fowler’s skittishness and Mr. Fowler’s anger and total lack of sadness and worry over his stepdaughter. This, combined with what I learned from Tessa Prince, seem to paint a sad and distressing picture of Heather’s home life, but Mom and Dad were a little stumped about where to go with it or who they could talk to (especially without mentioning me and my involvement in the whole thing). They decided Dad would call his friend in the police department, Detective Richard Wilkes (they play on the same softball team). Dad said he would just ask a few questions about the investigation and see what kind of information he could get. I’m really relieved that I’ve given it over to my parents. I feel like a huge burden is lifted off my shoulders…for the moment anyway.

I’m not sure how they really felt about me telling Sophie, but after I told them all about the fight and everything, they at least said they understood why I did it. I think they were so distracted by the other stuff that they didn’t give it that much thought. I’ll probably hear more about it later… :)

Okay, I’m exhausted…more tomorrow.