Bad day
September 24th, 2009What is your worst trait? What is the negative thing in your personality that you absolutely detest? Come on, now, we all have them. Pride? Fear? Obsession? Anger? Judgment? Control? What? Well, mine is envy. I am an envious person. Not over everything, just those things that I want desperately for myself. I envy my friend who has written not one, but two novels. I envy my sister who seems to creative art effortlessly, joyfully, uninhibitedly (word?). I envy anyone who is NOT struggling financially right now. I envy self-disciplined and self-motivated people who make up their mind, set a goal and just do it, without all the inner turmoil and fighting with themselves and procrastination and apathy and lethargy.
And I hate it. I hate this about myself. I hate that when someone has something wonderful happen to them, half the time I don’t feel unadulterated joy for them, but have this little green fist squeezing my gut, that little competitive voice saying….”Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, I WANT that! Why can’t I get that???” It’s not that I don’t want THEM to have it, I’ve never felt that, just that I want it too. Me, it’s all about me. Self-centered…another trait I don’t like about myself (there are so many), but I digress…
In the book I’m studying, The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, I just finished reading about this problem. Obviously, it’s a common trait among human beings, and the big problem for “artists” is that in eyeing someone else’s perceived accomplishments, you’re letting yourself get distracted from your own creativity, your own goals. You need to stay focused on your own stuff, not let competition distract and block you. But reading about the problem just smacked me in the face, it hit so close to home. I have a tendency to ignore my own problems and pretend they don’t exist. This wouldn’t let me……very depressing, suffocating, scary.
How do I overcome this? I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, even when it’s something I want too! As Julia reminds me over and over, it’s really not the goal that’s important but the process. Doing the work is the most satisfying part, the act of creation. Stay focused on what I’m doing…
September 24th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I like how this is posted in “rANNts!” All your cool ways of using your name is just more evidence that you ARE creative.
I think one of my worst traits is that I do not attempt things I think I’ll fail at. I’d rather not start something then feel like I’ve failed or given up. You can’t given up what you haven’t started. You can’t fail if you haven’t tried… WRONG… I AM FAILING when I don’t try and I AM QUITTING when I don’t try. I have to remind myself the same as you: “it’s really not the goal that’s important but the process.”
September 24th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
My worst trait is that I can’t finish ANYTHING. Including this post …
No, just kidding.
I have no fear. I jump right in. The water feels fine. But, then oh … wait … this is boring. I think I’ll go try THAT … I jump right in. The water feels fine. BORING. This basic principle of leaving all my loose ends unraveled applies to arts, crafts, housework, relationships, career, EVERYTHING. I can’t stick with anything to save my life.
It’s really not a fear of failure. Maybe it’s just me having Great Expectations, and then feeling unable to really tap into the joy in things. Lack of zeal. Apathy. Uber-ability to move on. Sigh.
Ok. Tomorrow have a happy blog. ;)