Yesterday, I pulled a tiny little muscle on my shoulder blade, about the size of a quarter. “How did you do that?” you  say. Thanks for asking…I was lifting a bag of ice (7 lbs. mind you) out of the freezer in the garage, arm outstretched (freezer was blocked by stuff…too lazy to move stuff). Man, a little kink can really be uncomfortable. Before bed, I took some ibuprofen and DH rubbed the spot, GENTLY, which helped, but it was still pretty sore this morning……stupid muscles.

You won’t marry a southern boy…what other kind is there?

Okay, I can’t figure out how to make this stinkin’ counter-downer thingy work…help!

No, you may NOT paint that chicken…

After my first epiphany (previous post), I wasn’t sure what to do with that information (and in the midst of my pondering this, we made the move to Boise from California). True change in attitude and actions doesn’t happen overnight. The feelings produced by the realization of a wonderful truth, the truth of God’s love for me, clung to me like a warm blanket for several days, weeks. But I didn’t know how this knowledge was going to affect my life. I had always tried to serve the Lord, and I continued to do so. The changes I have undergone since that day have been gradual, but steady.

The first sign of growth came when I became dissatisfied with the status quo of my relationship with God. I’ve always believed that to have a close relationship with God, you have to do a lot more than believe, you have to do a lot more than talk about Him or listen to sermons or show up to worship once or twice a week. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a good start, but it’s just not enough if you want to really be His child and He your Father. I firmly believe that you have to talk to Him on a daily basis, confide in Him, let Him into your heart and mind (like you do with people you love). AND you have to let HIM talk to YOU, through His word…just so you know, I believe with all my heart and mind that His word is the Bible. You can’t know Him until you know what He has to say to you. Okay, that’s all well and good, Ann, but were you doing these things? No. No, I wasn’t. I was lazy and apathetic when it came to Bible study and my prayer life stuttered along; sometimes it would be days between prayers and I would remember with a guilty start that I hadn’t talked to the Lord in quite a while. I don’t treat my husband that way, or my children, or close friends. But the most important relationship in my life was languishing, the “person” I said I loved more than anything was shoved to the back of the line when it came to spending my precious time every day. (And of course I knew that if I delved into what HE had to say to me, I might have to change……ugh, not CHANGE, not that. Not put forth any effort…that requires energy and THAT might pull me out of myself, out of my apathy.)

But I knew I NEEDED to change that. But how? How do I start? What can I do to build better study habits? I stepped out of my shell that had been building around me for quite a while, and in what was a very brave moment for me, walked up to a woman at church (who was just starting to become my friend, but I knew was a diligent and spiritual person), and asked her if she would become my “study buddy”. As simple as that. Yeah, it sounds simple, but that one question was literally the turning point in my relationship with my God. Because she immediately said, “Yes, I would love that,” and we began a routine. We talked on the phone every morning bright and early, and told each other what our goal for the day was. This always included (at the very least) a Bible study goal and a “good work” goal, because we both wanted to grow in service to the Lord and our Christian family. Sometimes we would add another goal for the day that was something we were trying to accomplish. It started out very simple, like…”Okay, today I’m going to read two chapters in Romans and send a card to Mary, who’s been sick this week. What are you going to do?” Then the next morning we would check with each other to see if we accomplished our goal, and set another one for the day. Baby steps. It was a way to stay focused, and we had each other to be accountable to which really helped us both. And I’ll admit it, my friend “D” is a much more self-motivated, self-disciplined person than I am (the Lord has surrounded me with these types of people for my own good, I know…my sister, my husband, my daughter, now this good friend, all gently show me how to be better in a weak area), and many times she accomplished her goal and I didn’t, which made me feel a little guilty, but it’s all good…it’s a growing process and I’m growing, I think that’s all the Lord asks of us. Just keep growing, keep heading in the right direction! Don’t give up, don’t lose heart…

That one little daily routine has helped me in so many ways! It eventually evolved into a blog study that we’re doing with several other women, which has been ongoing for about 2 years. I can honestly say that I have done more continuous and sustained reading and studying of scripture in these last 3 years, than I have in a loooooooong time. It just feels so good to have that consistency in my life, that anchor for my soul. As a result of allowing God to talk to me regularly, I have been much more consistent in my communing with Him too. It feels like a real relationship, a real fellowship, more satisfying than any other one in my life, just the way it should be…

to be continued…

Have you ever had an epiphany? In the last 4 or so years, I have had two…I highly recommend them :) . Several of the definitions of epiphany from Miriam-Webster (other than the Roman Catholic variety) are 1) “a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something”, 2) ”an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking, 3) “an illuminating discovery, realization or disclosure”. I list them all, because it is difficult for me to pinpoint just one in telling of my experiences…both times, I had an illuminating discovery or realization, it was a perception of the essential nature of something, and it felt like an intuitive grasp of reality.

Now, I’m not a particularly introspective person…a navel-gazer as my sister puts it. In fact, I have a tendency to do everything in my power to keep from thinking deeply or examining my feelings, or at least I used to for many many years. Feelings can be very unpleasant and messy and I would prefer not to deal with them if they are the least little bit negative. I have learned over time, however, that I can only push them down, push them away, ignore them for only so long before they come back and bite me in the butt. Yes, I admit that it is best to deal with feelings sooner rather than later, so I’m a little better about it than I used to be. All that to say perhaps I would have more “sudden insights” if I allowed myself to mull things over more.

The first epiphany came during a period of uncharacteristic introspection, when I was in one of my sporadic journaling “phases” (over the last 8 years, I have started and stopped journaling several times). I was sitting on the couch very early one morning (the time that is best for this kind of writing), and I can’t even remember what I was writing about, but I remember that I was comparing our love for our children to God’s love for us (probably venting about my son’s attitude), and suddenly, like a blindingly bright light in my head I just GOT IT. I felt God’s love for me, truly felt it, probably for the first time in my life. I was brought up “on the pew” as some Christians put it, studying the Bible, believing in God, talking about God, thinking about God, wondering about God, fearing God, loving God, trying to please Him in one way or another, my entire life. But I never got it. I guess I never really understood how God could love me, when I was such a mess all the time. I didn’t feel a personal connection to Him as MY Father. Possibly because my close connection to my earthly father was torn asunder at a very young age. But in one moment of utter clarity, I understood. I wept, actually I sobbed uncontrollably for a while out of the sheer enormity of the feelings provoked by such a discovery. My description here is completely inadequate to express that moment…..human language is too limited!!!!!

There is no deeper love on this earth than a parent’s love for their child, none. If I, a puny, weak-willed, immature, imperfect, selfish, fear-filled human can love my children with such a deep and abiding love that nothing they do can shake, that nothing on this earth can end, how much MORE can a God of perfect love feel for me, His child, His creation? It’s almost too wonderful to imagine. Since that day, every time I feel alone, hurt, or sad, in mental or physical pain, all I have to do is remember that feeling of being loved beyond measure (not to mention the sacrifice He made for me, the grace and mercy bestowed on me), and I am filled with joy again. I am comforted.

And just like I want what’s best for my children (and want them to lead joyful lives), God wants what’s best for me and wants me (and YOU) to lead joyful lives…the difference is, He actually KNOWS what’s best for me. We discipline our children, not because we’re mean or want to see them suffer, but because we must, to help them grow and mature into healthy, functioning, contributing human beings (and in my case, lovers of God and His servants). God, as a loving Father, deals with us in the same way. On that wonderful day, my picture of God as a harsh judge, watching me but not helping, weighing me and finding me wanting…that picture was shattered forever. God is our Creator, and He IS the judge of all, He will judge in the final day according to our lives on this earth (and I believe in heaven and hell as real and literal places in the spiritual realm), but He loves us always and wants us to be able to come and live with Him for all eternity. He also loves us enough to give us free will…the choice to believe in Him, to love Him in return, to trust Him, to serve Him is ours. I choose it…until my death, I choose it.

…to be continued.

Let me tell you about (okay, brag about) our “Family Fitness Challenge.” Late spring I had this fantastic idea to do a challenge with our immediate family (kind of like Biggest Loser, only less competitive, more supportive…nobody gets booted out!), to see if we could improve our eating and exercise habits to a healthier level. There are seven of us in the immediate circle…my husband, myself, my son and his wife, my daughter and her husband, and my teenage son. Now my teenager is a stick, and didn’t want to eat healthier anyway, but out of the other 6 of us, only my son-in-law didn’t need to lose any weight, but he was game to get “fitter”. The rest of us range from pudgy to obese, not naming any names here. Everyone was receptive to the idea, including my DH who has been saying for years that he wished we would eat healthier.

I must interject here that although I dearly love my family and want them all to be healthy, I suggested the challenge for ME! I have been headed in a very bad direction weight-wise the last several years, which I truly fear will end in a stroke or heart attack. I knew I needed to change my habits desperately, but my will is weak and wimpy and I accomplish hard tasks much better when I have someone else there to suffer with me, to cheer me on, and to hold me accountable for my actions. I most often fail when I have only myself to answer to (unlike my DH and DD who make a decision, set a goal, and just do it……I hate that!….and envy it). Once we talked about it, my oldest sister decided to join us on our journey to better health also.

Anyway, I set up the challenge to include several areas: eating healthier, drinking more water, and getting more exercise. We all have a weekly chart to fill in, earning daily points for things like eating fruits and vegetables and whole grains, NOT eating seconds or sugar, a point for every 8 oz. of water you drink. We get 5 points for every 1/2 hour of exercise, and a point for extra effort things, like parking farther away at the grocery store. If we accumulate enough points, we’re going to do something fun as a family, and the person who gets the most BIG stickers (20 points or more earned daily) gets a gift card to their favorite store (some of us do better when there’s at least a LITTLE competition involved). Those are the basics…we started June 1 and we end September 1 (only 1 more week! the 3 months has flown by).

It has been fun and rewarding to work on this together and everyone has really gotten into it, gradually. My DDIL was almost 9 months pregnant when we started, so she was limited in her participation, but she has been a real trouper trying to participate. My DH and DS have both lost at least 10 pounds. My DSIL, as I said, didn’t need to lose any weight, and he already liked eating healthy, but he has started taking long walks again which he loves, so that’s great. My DD and I have set some long term goals for ourselves, and this challenge has helped us get a really good start on healthier habits…we both feel very good about the whole thing and are determined!

The best part has been watching everyone evolve and begin to really think differently about what they’re eating (and how much). It makes me smile to watch my DH go get some yogurt and fruit after dinner, instead of something with processed sugar. And I was so proud of my DS the other night when they were over for dinner and he chose (of his own free will!) tostadas over tacos because those were baked. When we’re all together, the kids happily munch on fresh vegies and lite ranch, instead of chips. And my sis, who has some major health issues, has really been trying to earn those exercise points, even though it is a major undertaking for her. Way to go!

We’ve been so inspired by the way it’s gone, that we’ve all agreed to start a new challenge on September 1 through the new year, to help us get through those evil holiday months…I will update occasionally on our progress. Woooooohoo for us! We’re awwwwwwwwwwwwwesome!

Last night, I sat down and wrote a fairly long blog, telling of my childhood. And I fully intended to post it this morning right here. But honestly, it felt like I took a nice sharp, but serrated, knife and sliced open my abdomen, letting my entrails spill out all over the place. I juuuuuuuuuuust don’t think I’m ready to show you my many miles of colon yet. It’s too soon…it’s much too soon to share like that. I don’t want to scare you away, I want to invite you in.

Instead, I will just say that I’m happy you’re here. Right now, at this moment. I have so much I want to say, and I have a tendency to want to spill it all immediately and leave no mysteries to be revealed. I will try to be patient without obsessing (not an easy task for me….huge obsessor [probably not a word, huh] and patience? let’s just say I’m still a work in progress). Baby steps, baby steps…this has been my mantra ever since I discovered Flylady. I can do baby steps.

Yesterday, I actually sat at the computer, on and off, for half the day, just waiting to see if someone would read the blog, comment on the blog. I blush as I say this……no obsessing there! So, I will go ahead and lay out my entrails neatly and orderly, in drafts. Many drafts. And as I gain courage and trust, I will feed you little bits at a time, instead of shoving it down your throats all in one sitting…at least I will try.

As for my rant yesterday, that was the other reason I sat around all day (I did take my walk but cut 10 minutes off of it because of my pout). And last night, I punished my traitor body by stuffing it with two nice sized tostadas (baked shell at least, but hamburger meat), then polishing off DDIL’s second taco (FRIED shell). Now that’s just silly. All over one stinkin’ pound. To top off the feelings of idiocy, my ankles swelled like stuffed sausages last night, which means I’m retaining water…probably the reason I was up a pound. Stupid menopause. Anyway, I’m over it and feeling sheepish, but happy that I didn’t do anything worse to my poor body like eat a whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (man, that sounds heavenly). I’m back on my self-imposed wagon today, ready to get on with it. Yea, me……psshhhhht.

No, you haven’t missed anything…this is just a brand-new blog, but the actual diet has been going on for a few weeks. I was so excited this morning to weigh, because I had absolutely no doubt that I would lose, but how much (I only allow myself to weigh in once a week, to lessen my frustration on a day-to-day basis and to add to my positive anticipation…it’s so hard to wait!)? Drumroll please………..I gained a pound. I know, I know, don’t freak out, right? I AM SOOOOO FREAKING OUT!!!! You have got to understand how hard I have been trying, how good I have been…okay, not perfect, but good enough that gaining a pound was a complete and total shock. My excitement and anticipation over my weigh-in turns to utter despair……well, maybe that’s a little dramatic (people wonder where my sons get it), but I am totally bummed.

I have been walking since June, and I am up to 45 minutes 5-6 days a week (usually 6). My diet is South Beach which is very healthy and works well for me, PLUS I have been counting calories for the last 4 weeks diligently, and NOT ONCE have I gone over 2000 calories. I’m trying to keep it right at 1500 (yes, this past week I did go over that number several times, but still kept it under 2000 which is pretty good!). So I guess this means I’ll have to be stricter with my calories (and FAT intake)….sigh.

I know it sounds like I might be too strict, but really I’m not, because I have started menopause and hormones fluctuations cause your metabolism to go down (way down)…that’s why most women gain at least a little weight when they hit “the change”. I’ll admit it, I knew that losing weight was going to be really hard right now, but I still had this unreasonable secret hope that I would still be able to lose weight as easily as I did 10 years ago (or even 3…). If I can give any woman a sound piece of advice, it would be this: IF YOU HAVE WEIGHT YOU NEED TO LOSE, DO IT NOW, BEFORE YOU HIT MENOPAUSE, OR YOU WILL REGRET IT! I’ve known this for the last 5 years, and I have lost 25 pounds twice and gradually gained it back both times. I just can’t seem to get under 175 no matter what I do (okay I know why…).

The extenuating circumstances on the previous failures to continue losing have been that both times, I lost that weight during the summer WITH my DD, but both times she had to leave at the end of the summer to go back to college, and I have never been very motivated on my own. I need someone there to yell at me once in a while to “put the doughnut down and back away with your hands where I can see them!!” But this time, she and her husband are living here in Boise, so I have at least one year to take the weight off. That helps. And no, Bailey, I’m not giving up…NO WAY! I am just very disappointed that not only didn’t I lose one stinkin’ pound, I gained a pound! And I was even good over the weekend (the main reason I weigh on Mondays).

Okay, I paused in my rant long enough to take my morning walk, so I feel better…not a whole lot, but better. I will continue the saga of my eating habits and struggles with body-image issues tomorrow. I know you will wait with bated breath…

Everyone has habits that they would like to change, and SOME people even manage to change SOME of their bad habits if they really put forth the effort. Most of us go along doing absolutely nothing about our little foibles that we feel, deep down, don’t hurt anybody anyway and besides, they’re kind of endearing in an irritating sort of way! “You love the way I always (fill in your own ickiness here), don’t you?” Of course, they love you………in spite of those bad habits. Don’t kid yourself, they’re not that cute.

At 50, I am at least AWARE of most of my little idiosyncrasies, and some I have managed to alter over the years. Procrastination, however, isn’t one of them. It is the bane of my existence, and I irritate the fire out of MYSELF sometimes, because I’ll think I’m doing better, and BAM – it sneaks up on me again. Let’s take this morning for instance. I had a very vivid and unsettling dream that woke me up at 2AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep (doesn’t really happen too often, therefore I’m only mildly irritated). So I got up and wrote my morning pages, like the good girl that I am. That usually takes 45 minutes to an hour. [I must interject here that I usually get up at 5AM, not because I am a natural very-early bird, but because I have things to do just for myself and if I wait until "real" morning, they never get done and I am cranky all day trying to fit them in. "Morning pages" I learned from the book I'm studying, The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron. She is my creative mentor at the moment, though she doesn't know it! Anyway, one of the "rules of the road" is that you get up every morning and write your morning pages FIRST THING, while your brain is still groggy. All sorts of interesting things come up when your brain is not fully functioning yet. It's a stream-of-consciousness type writing, you just write whatever is occupying your mind at the moment. It has made such a difference for me.] Okay, back to my procrastination rant. I finished my morning pages and thought, “Hmmmm, what should I do for the next 3 1/2 hours until I go for my walk?” Of course, my first urge is to go on Facebook and play a mindless game of Farkle or Bejewelled for an hour or so, but no…I will do something productive and bring my food diary up-to-date on Med Help (health website…helping me keep track of those healthy habits I’m trying to develop…my daughter and I are doing it together). Great idea!

Here’s where procrastination rears its ugly head and bites my backside. I procrastinate the WORST on things I absolutely loathe doing (like dusting…do NOT come to my house if you have bad dust allergies). And inputing stupid meals on that stupid website (no offense, Med Help) is just one of those things I hate to do! I keep track of everything I eat in a spiral, so I don’t forget…self back-pat – best I’ve ever done in keeping a food journal. But how long had it been since I had transferred my meals to the website diary? Almost 2 WEEKS!! I sat here for almost an hour and a half typing, clicking on foods I eat all the time (e.g. turkey sandwiches) and looking up the nutrition information for stuff I don’t know (just so you know, I couldn’t find any nutritional info for the bean and corn……um salad? chutney? salsa?……that I ate 2 helpings of at the potluck last night…I substituted 4-bean salad, whatever). UGH! And of course, my serpent critic is hissing in my ear, “If you would just take 10 lousy minutes each night before bed, you wouldn’t be sitting here slaving over this stupid thing.” I know, I know! Sheesh, I get it okay? Get off my back!

It’s those little things that really bug me a 4AM………..end of rant.