I can’t believe I haven’t updated since the first of June. So sorry. It’s hard to put into words the amount of stress and anguish I’m often feeling these days, and frankly, I get tired of talking about it. Everyone wants to know how I’m doing, how Mom’s doing, how JR is doing, how the kids are doing…. I know they ask because they genuinely care about us, and wish there was something they could do to help, to lift the burden somewhat. But I feel like wearing a shirt that says, “No change….we’re fine”.

Mom is tenaciously clinging to life, just like I knew she would. I never saw anyone that fought to live any more than she does. I think the Lord will have to drag her out of this world gasping for that last breath. She no longer gets out of bed at all, must eat all her food pureed (blech), has no interest in anything whatsoever, but still….she’s just not ready to let go of this mortal coil. Terrified of death, for whatever reason.

If Mom’s gradual decline were the only stress in my life, I know I would handle it better. Right now, I’m taking one week, and one event, at a time. Last week was my grandson’s first birthday, Mom’s birthday (she made it to 81), and Father’s Day (colored my hair for my husband…he likes it). THIS week is the baby shower for the mother of my next grandson (my 17-year-old’s baby…due August 1….yeah), which I’m planning and executing mostly single-handedly (daughter wants to help, but is oh-so-busy with her job so I hate to ask). NEXT week is youngest son’s eighteenth birthday…. soooooo, how do you celebrate with ABSOLUTELY no money? I’m just about at the end of my endurance here. A little money would sure be just the ticket to less stress, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

I really, really hate this. I don’t think I can stress that enough. Are you listening, Lord? I’m here! And I’m silently screaming my lungs out… PLEASE GRANT ME SOME RELIEF!

Overheard tidbits of conversations that just strike me as funny…

Those are also called Peruvian Lilies.
Oh, they must have a lot of them there.
Yes, in Peruvia.
Riiiiiiiight, Peruvia.

I have been negligent in my writing again. Sorry. Life is just so stressful these days, with husband job-less, youngest son constantly in a state of total chaos, oldest son and family living with us, and now my mother is dying.

I know, wow…it’s one of those things that I knew was coming (she’s almost 81). I knew eventually I would have to deal with her death, but I was honestly hoping that it would be a few more years. And since she NEVER wanted to die in the first place, I really thought she might hang on until she was 90! But her health and mental acuity have been declining more rapidly over the past year or so, and last week she had a major brain hemorrhage. Now it’s a day-by-day thing, some days she is perky and alert and eating, others she is just not there.

We’re probably moving her today, either back to her assisted living facility with hospice added, or to a skilled nursing facility. I have to talk to doctor, discharge person, and ALF director. Today will be exhausting I’m sure.

Then there are those pesky end-of-life questions that many people must deal with (I know I’m not the first). Meds or no meds, feeding tube or not, DNR? I hate making these decisions. Almost everyone involved has said that it’s time to let her go. And deep down I know that it’s the right choice, but it’s still so hard to just stop giving the help that has kept her going fairly normally for the past 10 years or so.

And “quality of life”. Who’s to be the judge of what is an adequate quality? It’s really hard to make that kind of judgment, when I have no idea what she would REALLY want. If it were me, absolutely not. If I was barely aware of what was going on around me, and I could no longer do anything for myself, I wouldn’t want tubes and pills keeping me alive. I would want to go HOME to my rest with the Lord. Just let me go, please. But in the past, I know my mom did NOT feel that way. She wanted to live, no matter what.

When she has a really bad day, where all she wants to do is sleep and she can barely hold her head up and can’t speak, the decision seems clear. But the very next day she’s sitting up and talking and eating (SWALLOWING!!), and when I tell her I love her, she says, “I love you too”…then the decision does not seem quite as clear.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster the past week (okay fine, the past five years), and I have been praying that she would either go quickly or get better. I see now that the Lord has decided to test my patience once again by drawing this out over weeks or months. I see that she’s not quite ready to go, but I also have accepted that she’s not really going to get better. Fine. If he thinks I’m so strong, then I will be. You know, I don’t want my mother to die just so it will be nice and tidy and convenient for ME. I know this is about her, not me, and I am at peace with taking it one day at a time, to stop fighting her body on this, and just let what happens, happen. We will move her somewhere where they will take good care of her day by day and keep her comfortable, and I will hold her hand till the end.

And I try not to dwell on what I will do when she passes. That IS more than I can handle at the moment…

6/12/09 – 6/13/09 (after midnight)

It’s been a weird and wonderful day. Wonderful, because I got my very first real paycheck today! It’s only for one week, since I started in the middle of a pay period, but still — $184.25!!! Woohoo, I’m rich! Just think how much my next paycheck will be! Let’s see, $18 to the Lord, $36 to savings, and that still leaves me $130.25! Oh man, I have GOT to go to the mall. Mom took a picture of me with my paycheck…she’ll probably frame it or something (ACK — I was all sweaty and red-faced because I had just gotten home from work……MUST DELETE PICTURE). Maybe I can get her to take another one when I look decent.

The weird part of the day (but also kinda wonderful, in a weird way) was my “date” with Matt. It’s freaky just saying that…I had a datewith my freako brother. Turns out, he’s not quite as freaky as he was a couple of years ago. I’ve just been avoiding him for so long, I guess I didn’t notice that he sort of changed back to the brother I used to actually like.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I wasn’t sure what he had in mind for us to do, so I skipped going to the lake and pampered myself a little. Hey, if I’m getting to go out and Big Bro is paying, the least I can do is smell clean, right? So, I took a bubble bath and soaked my aching muscles for a while (yeah, they still get kind of sore after a long day pushing that mower, but not as bad as before). While I was soaking Tripp came in to see what I was doing and stuck his face in the bubbles and came out looking like a doggie Colonel Sanders…TOO funny! I wish I had a camera right then…totally a Youtube moment! After that, I blow-dried my hair (although that only helps a little…it is so straight that it doesn’t domuch), then I painted my nails and toenails and read Teen People while they dried…Taylor Lautner is soooo buff, but Nick Jonas has all that beautiful curly hair…of course neither of them has eyes like Gray’s.

When Matt got home, he immediately went into the bathroom that he and I share and turned on the shower, like he does every time he comes home from work…he says it’s to wash the pizza smell of of himself…and I went and banged on the door.

Matt: What!? (he’s so impatient)
Me: Hey, what time are we leaving?! (I hate yelling through the door, but I needed time to finish getting ready)
Matt: 6!
Me: What am I supposed to wear?
Matt: I don’t care what you wear, I’m not your boyfriend! (and you wouldn’t be, even if we weren’t related!)
Me: I know, but I don’t need to dress up do I? What are you wearing? (I don’t want to look stupid if we’re going somewhere nice or I need a swimsuit or something)
Matt: Hey, I don’t like you THAT much! It’s summer, I’m wearing board shorts and a tee!
Me: Fine!
Matt: Fine!

Okay, so I wore capris, a tee, and flipflops. When Matt finally came out of the bathroom, he looked pretty good…he even shaved (he doesn’t do that much…he doesn’t NEED to do that much). We got in his old beat-up black Corolla, and when I asked where we were going, he just smirked and said, “You’ll see.”

Well…..pause for dramatic effect….he only took me to the coolest place in town, the Old Pizza Warehouse. I was so shocked, I know my mouth was hanging open and probably catching flies. The best pizza and pasta in town (WITH a fabulous salad/fruit/dessert bar), PLUS pool, air hockey, all types of video games, karaoke (some nights), laser tag, a big room with, not a big-screen TV but a HUGE-screen TV that shows sports and old black and white comedy movies…and all kinds of other stuff. We had so much fun together (at least I did!). It was one of the best “dates” I’ve ever had…..oh wait, it’s the only date of any kind I’ve ever had. Still, I’ll never forget what a great time I had with my brother.

He really has gone back pretty much to the sweet, funny, goof-ball friend he was before the “dark days”. I can’t believe how much he’s grown up. I’ll have to find out what changed, what made him wake up and stop being such an angry jerk. One of those few times I really wish I could read him.

Well, I’m super-tired from all the work and play today. I go to bed a happy, happy girl.

tomorrow morning.

Comes the rain. At least here in Boise. We had such a beautiful weekend, and now it’s Monday again and another rainy (and chilly) couple of days moving in. I absolutely love winter, but I am tired of this “winterlike” spring we’ve been having. I’m soooooo ready for some warm and sunny weather….continuously. Anyway, I journal-ed and walked this morning. Habits starting…………………but will take time of course. As will getting back into this blog. I apologise for it being so boring, especially talking about the weather! But my creative/imaginative side is still in winter hibernation. I’m really trying to wake it up, but it will take time (and stress relief). Until then, you will have to suffer through these random posts. Sorry…

That’s what the swiftness of my mood swings will give you if you stand too close. I attribute everything going on in my head to either of two things 1)Menopause or 2) Stress. I’m going through a midlife change. Yeah, yeah, you’ve all heard the horrors of menopause. Mood swings, hot flashes, loss of libido, weight gain, etc…etc…etc… Well, they’re all true, to a certain extent. The worst for me, I suppose, would have to be the mood swings. The general lack of motivation, the depression….but I truly feel much of that can be traced back to the huge amount of stress in my life, the pressure that I’m having to endure right now.

For a while, I will admit, I stopped praying about it. Several months, as a matter of fact. I got to feeling like God was just not listening to me, ignoring me, so what’s the point? Now I must stop here and say, I have a deep and abiding faith in the almighty Creator, the one true God who loves me and has made me His child. I have tried to love Him in return all of my days, and be grateful for His abounding love and blessings on me. I have tried to be a good steward of His gifts, and share my little light with all those around me. But in my depression, I was angry with Him for (perceived) abandoning me in some of my darkest times. Logically, intellectually, I KNOW that’s not true. But emotionally, I FELT abandoned. He didn’t seem to be answering ANY of my cries all winter, heaping more and more on my plate until I was ready to scream and run away (literally) to…well, anywhere but here. In reality, I have no idea WHAT God’s thoughts are, nor His plans for me. His thoughts and ways are not mine….He’s GOD and I’m not. So all that time, He was probably just saying, “Wait….be patient….lean on ME, and I will get you through this, and everything will work out GREAT, if you will just wait.”

But waiting is so haaaaard sometimes (she whines pathetically). Anyway, today I’m feeling much better than yesterday. After I sulked and pouted about my inability to accomplish anything, I sat down with an iced mocha (sugar-free, skinny of course!), which will cure almost any bout of the blues, and wrote out what I really want to be doing, and what steps I can take to get there. I MUST get back to the good habits I had last summer, which made me feel so good about myself and the direction in which I was heading.

So, today I got up (not very early, but still), wrote my morning pages, and went for a walk. And I feel good about that. My knee is aching, but I took some ibuprofen, and I’ll deal with it. Baby steps. I will work to re-establish one good habit at a time. Back to the basics…

Oh my goodness. I passed the two hundred day mark (loooong gone) and didn’t even realize it! So sad. Motivation……..it comes and goes with a swiftness that leaves me breathless. I don’t know what to do about myself. I haven’t given up on my goals or even this blog (completely). I would really like to see the year finish with a flourish of activity and accomplishment. What can I say. I am adrift…

Weight - My daughter is doing much better than I am! She is the only thing that keeps me from giving up completely at this point. My original goal to lose 50 pounds in a year has turned into a struggle just to maintain my weight as is. I hover around the 200 mark, which is a total weight loss of 12 pounds. I haven’t been walking because of an injury of some kind to my knee….yet I watch Biggest Loser and those people push onward with all kinds of physical aches and pains…some much worse than mine! I guess I should down some ibuprofen, shut up about it and get going.

Romans - Now there’s a laugh. I haven’t memorized in months. My brain is just a tangled knot of chaos and indecision and apathy. I had chapter one down pat for a while and most of chapter 2. I know, I know. There’s still plenty of time to make headway….don’t nag!

Novel - I haven’t written in a long time either. I was planning to write all during the month of April, but got derailed by some family issues. I don’t feel I can go into details at this point, let’s just say someone needed my full physical and mental support the past few months and that has taken all my energy. I think things are getting better but it’s hard to tell at times………

Art- Well, I DID complete my goal of entering my paintings to be juried for Art in the Park here in Boise, and I felt very good about that…..for a while. I was supposed to hear whether I was accepted or not around May 1, and now it’s the 6th and still nothing. Very frustrating. I already made up my mind not to try to actually DO the show this year. I just can’t manage it financially or mentally. But it would be really nice to hear whether they felt I was good enough or not! I think it’s time to start painting again….

So there’s where it stands. Pathetic huh? I haven’t given up but I don’t know how to get my little engine back on the rails…help!

I’m trying to get back into some kind of routine….really. So far, I have caught up with housework, laundry, and kept the kitchen clean every day for almost a week. But every time I start to consider doing something creative, my brain skitters away like a scared rabbit. I just don’t know how people can BE creative when under a tremendous amount of stress. My creative well is not only empty, it’s bone dry with cobwebs. I don’t know how to  compart-mentalize it. I can only push it back, push it down, push it aside for so long. Life is weighing heavily on me right now. It takes all my energy just to NOT sit around all day doing nothing, and to keep a relatively calm and cheerful countenance. ALL MY ENERGY.

One of my goals this year has been to gain more self control. It’s taking every bit of what I possess not to go screaming out into the street tearing at my hair or run away to Mexica (okay, that is a slight exaggeration). I do pray about it, and I do count my blessings on a daily basis, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am. RELIEF… relief from at least some of these stresses would be very welcome. Are you listening, Lord? I’m stretched too thin. Please hear my cry, and rescue me from some of this.

Okay, this is my last rANNt for a while. I promise to be more positive and less whiny from now on. Maybe I’ll just post pictures of my grandson!

I’m writing again today……….just writing (rANNt comes later, keep reading). This is unusual for me, because I don’t really feel I have anything interesting or blog-worthy to write about…I am a hugely boring personality. But I need to get back in the habit of blogging, so here I am. Feeding you all this nothing-about-nothing. I woke up VERY early this morning with a sore throat, realizing that it was hurting all night and worked its soreness into my dreams. Weirdness. I want to get back to my old self (whatever that is). I want to focus on my goals again. The problem with that wish is that I can’t do that until JR has a job again (at least I haven’t been able to so far). He wants me to help him with his resume and some other stuff to reach HIS goal of gainful employment, and I feel compelled to help him in whatever way I can, because I love him and he needs me right now. AND I AM A TERRIBLE MULTI-TASKER. So what’s a girl to do? If I had any real motivation at the moment I would start getting up at 5 AM again, to be able to pursue my own things, but my apathy has prevented that heretofore.

I love my family, I honestly do, but I WANT MY SPACE BACK! I’m pretty very good at tuning out when I need to, but whenever JR is unemployed and hanging around the house all the time, it’s very distracting. Not to mention two sons, a daughter-in-law, and a grandson (Cutest Baby Ever ——but distracting!) who are ALWAYS around. I have been completely alone in this house all day perhaps twice in the last 6 months. Yes, I know that all of THEM feel the same way, but hey, this is all about me!!!

Between husband’s unemployment, menopause, trying to lose weight, huge debt (tax, credit card, hospital, you name it), several family stresses (that I don’t care to go into today…..suffice it to say ours go somewhat past the norm), an aging mother who requires more and more attention on a daily basis, a sick dog who WILL NOT take her pills, our married son’s cat who drives me nuts sneaking into the house every single time the door opens, a chaotic home that stays dusty and cluttered ALL THE TIME, and a  right knee that’s got something wrong with it (I know I’m whining, but I have RARELY in my life had a chronic physical problem and a constantly achy knee BUGS ME). Oh, there’s probably more but that’s all that’s worrying me at the moment.

Sometimes I wonder if I should be taking some kind of anti-anxiety pill. Really. I’m not blind, I know I have at least some of the symptoms of clinical depression (and yeah, it runs in the family)….but I am loathe to take a pill to help something that is almost entirely circumstancial. I am not normally a depressive personality (only occasionally), but I have a HUGE amount of stress at the moment. There is nothing I can do about that, not a blasted thing……except rant. Thank you for allowing me to do that with you. I don’t feel any better, but I do feel that I can get on with my day now. *heavy sigh*